Widower with a new lady

What are your fears? Ideas? Hints? to coping with ED. What helps you with your mental game? How are relationships affected?
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Joined: Mon Sep 09, 2013 12:13 pm

Widower with a new lady

Postby wislndixie » Sun Oct 06, 2013 1:48 pm

I'm a 66 yo male, no health problems and take no medication. My wife was diagnosed with alzheimer's disease 5 years ago and passed away this past June. For the last 3 years of her life she thought I was her Father, not her husband. Long story short there has been no sex for that length of time. I can easily get an erection by watching porn and masturbating and have done that quite regularly for the last 3 years. Now comes the problem. I have met a wonderful woman and we really have hit it off and are very comfortable together. We have had some intimacy recently and I"ve been unable to achieve an erection for penetration using either Viagra or Cialis. My GP started me on 25mg of Viagra then upped it to 100 mg with no success. I then tried 20 mg of cialis and achieved a semi erection but still not enough for penetration.

I'm convinced my issue is psychological. In fact I know it stems from the fact that when we start our foreplay I'm constantly "worrying" about if I will get an erection and of course I don't. Can someone offer suggestions on how to get past this? I have been seeing a grief counselor for several months and feel that with her help I've gotten passed the loss of my wife of 45 years as it relates to my new life with a different partner. It's just seems to be total "performance anxiety" is my issue.

Please help and Thanks,

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Location: Michigan. Email Ohohiakane@yahoo.com

Re: Widower with a new lady

Postby ohohiakane » Sun Oct 06, 2013 5:24 pm

I understand that the "Fear of Failure" becomes the self-fulfilling prophesy. It happened to me often when the pills became hit-or-miss.

I now have a method that ALWAYS gets me a quick erection, one that lasts for a couple hours, even after I climax.

Its Trimix injections .... I have been using them for nearly 3 years now .... and hopefully they continue to keep me in the ball game.

See a good urologist and inquire about trimix. (do not be sucked in to one of those "men's clinics" that have been ripping off the desperate guys)

75 Year Old guy in Michigan, married in 1958, ED since late '90s, then surgery in 2008 (not prostate or other genital) damaged some nerves making the ED worse. Now on trimix

Personal email Ohohiakane@yahoo.com
am always willing to discuss stuff and help

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Re: Widower with a new lady

Postby Peckerwood » Sun Oct 06, 2013 8:20 pm

Let me suggest you also try the 5mg daily Cialis. Your doctor should be able to supply you with a free sample or a coupon. I assume you are getting into bed with her with all your clothes off enjoying full body contact. Try to lose yourself in pleasing her first and you just might find yourself with an erection, but I highly recommend giving the daily Cialis a try. If it works, you might decide to try a generic form later on.

Frank Talk Admin
Site Admin
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Re: Widower with a new lady

Postby Frank Talk Admin » Mon Oct 07, 2013 8:06 am

you certainly need to find a better doctor. While the root cause may be anxiety related, there are medical interventions you can use to get through the acute stage. We use injections and oral meds for guys just like you, but because your penis is basically healthy and functioning, it must be VERY carefully handled so that it does not 'over cure' the problem and cause other problems.
I know it may seem almost outrageous, but you probably need to find a sex coach to help you rethink your whole approach to sex. What you are doing is not working, so it would make sense to temporarily change direction. If what you are doing is not working, it is insanity to keep trying the same thing over and over hoping that miraculously it might work this time. Getting out of your head, quieting the chatter in the back of your brain, and stopping the self-monitoring and self-judgment is crucial.
I would suggest that for the period of time, you take PIV intercourse off the menu. I know it's what you've been doing your whole life, but your life is different now, and it's time to make some changes - you were definitely be able to put it back on the menu in a little while. Also, please remember that your penis in her vagina is really important only to you. she is probably feeling bad because you are feeling bad.
Make sex all about play, connecting, play, fun, intimacy, play, relationship building, play...when was the last time you were laden with anxiety about playing in the sandbox? When sex is about performing, it is doomed. When it is about play, magic happens.
Get a sex coach and a good doctor.

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Joined: Mon Sep 09, 2013 12:13 pm

Re: Widower with a new lady

Postby wislndixie » Mon Oct 07, 2013 9:22 am

Thanks all of you for your replys. This place is fantastic. I do have an upcoming appt with a new Dr. (urologist) rather than my primary care Dr. After spending much time here on the forum before posting I was leaning towards the injections as a way to try and build back that confidence.

Peckerwood, yes we go get in the bed with our clothes off and love the close contact and while I'm pleasing her first I'm thinking, OK woody, let's get going, at some point I'm going to need you. :) and I'm sure through the pressure I put on myself woody never wakes up, at least not enough for penetration. We both perform oral on each other but it seems to take her a very long time to feel the effects and that affects me. I will ask the Dr. about the daily cialis..Do you have any side effects from it? I've taken the 20mg and have heartburn and stuffy nose until it wears off.

Frank, you do make a lot of sense. My new friend is very understanding and patient and we've gotten in bed without any expectations of PIV and just enjoyed the closeness and intimacy. I'm hoping that as I go further into the relationship that I'll feel more comfortable and relaxed the anxiety will drop off but I"m taking your advice and going to look for a sex coach or someone who could possibly give me ways to get over the anxiety.

Thank you again and I'll keep posting back as things progress.

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Re: Widower with a new lady

Postby WoodyJohn » Mon Dec 09, 2013 10:46 am

Yes fear and confusion might be the huge problem, I had this problem before. But in my case I usually had no problems with an initial erection the problem was occurring when my partner was not satisfied with me during the act and wanted to change something (position etc) then in a moment I was losing erection and it was really hard to get it back sometimes after 2 or 3 of such moments I couldn't not get it back at all for good and had to stop the act. Sadly I still have this problem sometimes... :(

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