SIGNING OFF...

[DaveKell]

It occurred to me last night that I needed a stroll down memory lane. Later today I'm getting out all the voluminous photo albums my wife assembled over the years. They are almost a chronological history book of our life together. I recall the last time I went through them, several years ago, the flood of memories they brought about. I'm going to do it to remind myself of what our life used to be like to set some goals to get back to those times. I'm not going to stop there. I bought a small tv at a yard sale awhile back with a built in VHS tape (remember those?) player. I'm going to get out all the old videos and go through them as well. That will be somewhat hard seeing and hearing my mother, a brother and sister who have all passed away already again. I recall a scene in one of them of my wife holding our second child shortly after we brought him home. I remember how astoundingly beautiful she looked and the feelings I got every time I watched it. The point is I have a massive treasure trove of assets at my disposal to reawaken the old me and it's my new personal improvement project now. My wife deserves much better than what ED drove me to become. I can't believe we are still together knowing the basic asshole I was much of the time. There is a reason why when I first saw her my resolve to never get married wilted away. I made it to age 26 before marrying her when she was 19. It's time for a massive dose of reminders of that reason. Don't expect me back today. I'll probably go through a box of tissues seeking a cathartic release of my assholiness!

[Anonymous3]

Dave
You are on the right track. My wife and I still have along way to go also. Right now we dont make love we just fuck, but tggat beats what was happening before the implant. Hopefully in time things will get back to a more normal relationship. Just remember you may never get back to when yall were married. Life happens and changed both of you. As you said you lost 3 family members that take some thing out of you. We all should try to get back into a loving carining partnership. If you have not done it in a while do something to surprise her. Yesterday I bought my wife a small thing of flowers from Walmart. Put I Love You notes in her purse. Write her a love letter leave next to the coffee maker

[DaveKell]

Dave
You are on the right track. My wife and I still have along way to go also. Right now we dont make love we just fuck,... Just remember you may never get back to when yall were married. Life happens and changed both of you. We all should try to get back into a loving carining partnership.

I am resigned to the fact that getting back to where we used to be isn't in the cards. I'm off to a slow start with trying I have to admit. My focus remains on the fact that she isn't into it nearly as much as I am. The first year of our marriage it was her that wanted to jump my bones EVERY night. She truly seemed like a nympho back then. That's a fantasy I remind her of now and then and get a "well, yeah but...". She's been on a lifestyle change kick for a few years and has gotten off meds for pre diabetes and cholesterol. She works out at the gym where I broke my back four days a week and has made awesome strides with improving her fitness and most notably her body. I'm beginning to think I'm going to have to wait until she reaches a point where she's completely happy with herself! I'm trying to hurry that along with compliments but so far I don't think she's taking much notice. If it continues like this I'll probably cut loose soon with a "what the hell did I go through this for?". It still is mostly on me though because I'm obsessed with fucking like you said, making love doesn't enter my mind foremost. I'm finding it's incredibly hard to roll back almost 20 years of having been walled off from her. It's proving to be difficult to get past having been shut off for so long.

The first thing I'm doing is cutting out the weekly testosterone injections I started to try and help with ED long ago, which never helped. It did get me to a point of noticing good looking women all the time though. Mostly, I was wishing while jacked up on testo I could fuck my wife and resentful I couldn't. Maybe if I get calmed down to the level of acting my age I might approach this differently. Right now it's becoming an issue that I am sexually attracted to my wife all the time but don't always get the responses I routinely used to. Now and then I wonder if I could become the kind of guy who could cheat since I retain a bit of appeal to women. I don't see that ever happening though, the consequences are just too nightmarish to consider. Be assured I'm on a quest to reinvent who I am in this relationship and arrive at a mutually enjoyable new normal.

[Anonymous3]

Right now it maybe once a week. Hope it gets better as she gets use to sex again. Sge is quick to remind me that what we did 34 years ago was then and we are not that young anymore. To answer the question What the hell.... that answer has to be for you. Wives and partners are not guaranteed to be there

[radioradio]

Dave,

Once again, a terrific and insightful post -- another example of why so many of us are glad you haven't ridden off into the sunset from FT. You're touching on topics that I'm guessing a lot of guys are either struggling with or completely fucking up. We know we could perform at the drop of a hat and wish they wanted us to. I know I could push this too fast, and never have any chance of getting to a great new normal, let alone how things were 30+ years ago. It's a fine line we have to walk, and we have had little practice.

The approach to -- and speed of -- rekindling our wives sexual interest in us has to be as varied as our own unique journeys have been through this maze called ED. I'm trying to take my time and read her signals as best I can. I think its working, if I don't blow it. It took us years to progressively get to the point we were at before the prostatectomy and the subsequent medications, devices and injections. Although we (bionic men) are ready to get back to this place of our memories, we (couples) have a lot of getting re-acquainted to do.

I'm so thrilled that I can satisfy my wife better than I ever could (PE and ED tend to make one a lesser lover, no matter how wife-centered and orally talented one is) that I just want to do it all the time. She's becoming more comfortable with the whole thing, and we're becoming more comfortable with each other. Just have to keep my desires in check a bit so as not to put pressure on her. It's working, but just like the surgical recovery period, I need extra doses of patience.

Thanks again for your input.

Bob
3.2

[Lost Sheep]

It occurred to me last night that I needed a stroll down memory lane. ,,,voluminous photo albums my wife assembled over the years. ...to remind myself of what our life used to be like to set some goals to get back to those times. (edited for brevity)

I'm obsessed with fucking...making love doesn't enter my mind foremost. I'm finding it's incredibly hard to roll back almost 20 years of having been walled off from her. It's proving to be difficult to get past having been shut off for so long.

My Girlfriend has been following my progress to implantation for a year and also has read many of the posts here on FrankTalk and she and I have had frank discussions about gender and gender-influenced attitudes and feelings. Men and women feel differently about romance, marriage and sex, etc. We all know this, but no one REALLY grasps wholly the other sex's point of view. One can appreciate it, even understand it, but one cannot LIVE it.

So, she had this comment:

In answer to post from Davekell:

From a woman’s point of view:

Women are made the opposite from men. Yes, at a young age, women are hungry for sex. As we age, women have hormonal changes as I’m sure you know. These hormones more or less depict what our bodies are willing to do. It is not her fault she has other interest in life. The house, the kids, car pool, cooking, grocery shopping and laundry, etc. are just a few things on her mind. I’m not saying it’s your fault either. You had issues and you worked to fix them.

You have stated it has been a long time since you have been intimate with your wife. She has now moved on to “getting her body in shape for her own benefit”. You can’t expect her to fall all over you just because you have a new toy if you have ignored her for a long time. It’s wonderful that you have a new implant and I hope she will come around. Keep up lavishing non sexual attention on your wife being especially sincere and hopefully it will get her back to the beginning of your marriage.

To which I add:

You cannot recover your relationship by "rolling back" the way you came. Marital troubles cannot be retraced upstream the way it was travelled downstream. You must go back to the beginning. Go back to before your wife first fell in love with you and start from there. Begin by retracing your courtship and nurture and grow a NEW relationship. You are fortunate that the path you followed before is well-marked with the photo albums you mentioned and the memories you share. Tap into those feelings in yourself and she will almost certainly echo and re-experience the feelings of being treasured by you. Treasured for herself, not just for sex. She will see again what she treasured about you before you ever had sex.

Nymphomaniacal sex is great and often is a power source for a new relationship; deeper love flows forth as a by-product. But you two are beyond that now. You must tap into that deeper love for ITS energy to power your NEW relationship. Then sex can flow forth as a by-product. Thus a renewed and stronger, more mature relationship can flow forth.

She loved you for you in your entirety, not for your penis. She wants to be (no, needs to be) loved for her entirey, not just her body. If she feels that your interest in her body is the uppermost thing in your mind (and heart) it is likely she will feel objectified. Feeling like a sex object is the quickest way to turn a woman off. It is not a compliment.

E.D causes a lack nutrients and oxygen which may cause a man's penis to shrink, lose elasticity and atrophy. A woman's love is not much different. The life-blood of her love for you is supplied by your attention to her complete self.

Flowers delivered unexpectedly. Date nights with no pressure for or expectation of sex. Foot rubs when she is tired. Slip a note into her shoe when she is going out shoe shopping saying "I love you" so she will discover it unexpectedly. Little things like that are a way to reassure a woman that you want HER, not just want to fuck her. Little things like that open a woman's heart that may have been closed off by years of neglect.

Women hate it when they feel that a man thinks of them as just a vagina attached to a person. They respond to being valued as a person, then willingly give that vagina to the one who values HER, rather than her vagina. If the signals you are giving her do not tell her YOU ARE that man, you MUST (once again) BE that man (before someone else steps up). BE that man your wife fell in love with during your FIRST courtship.

[radioradio]

Lost Sheep,

Right on! Chock full of wisdom.

Thanks for an excellent post. And thanks to your girlfriend too!

Bob 2.3

[DaveKell]

Lost Sheep,

Right on! Chock full of wisdom.

Thanks for an excellent post. And thanks to your girlfriend too!

Bob 2.3

I second that emotion as well.

[Zxylpk]

It's the oldest dilemma in the world. Generally speaking, women's desire for sex diminishes with age, men's desire remains the same, as long as he is able. Fortunately our society doesn't allow multiple wives, (or beheading the ones we're tired of), but we have the ability to satisfy ourselves without making unreasonable demands or guilt tripping our wives. I cheated on my first wife which predictably ended badly. Cheating is not an option this time around. I'm older, wiser, (more scruples) and much more in love. Since I cherish my wife and our relationship, I choose to take matters into my own hands much like I did the first time I had teenage lust and abilities. We make love when my wife feels like it. With no pressure, she initiates sex more often and we have better sex now.

[DaveKell]

Dave
You are on the right track. My wife and I still have along way to go also. Right now we dont make love we just fuck,... Just remember you may never get back to when yall were married. Life happens and changed both of you. We all should try to get back into a loving carining partnership.

My focus remains on the fact that she isn't into it nearly as much as I am. The first year of our marriage it was her that wanted to jump my bones EVERY night.

I asked my wife this morning about a post I saw elsewhere on this forum. I think the guy was saying some women aren't into sex with an implanted guy as much because they miss being able to arouse him into an erection like when everything worked naturally. I pointed out to her how she used to love that just being next to me I'd get a hardon. I asked if that could be a mental reason underlying her slowdown in our lovemaking she brought about. We had a field day with sex early on after I was cleared to have at it. She told me I apparently didn't pay attention when she told me my new capability was causing her pain. I am the only man she has ever had sex with so she never complained about my overwhelming tendency for premature ejaculation. It was normal for her. She was incredibly surprised at how long I lasted as soon as our sex life resumed after close to a 20 year sporadic lull. The first few times she loved it immensely. After going at it several times a week she said it was beginning to hurt a lot. I'll admit I didn't give that complaint much traction, after all, it felt great to me! Then she informed me she had bought a tube of lube just before I broke my back in 3 places at the gym around 2 months ago. She said she wasn't going to start anything until I stopped complaining about being in pain. I never had any idea. I was building up some resentment about her hesitation. That's a big area I've identified about how ED crept into our relationship. I stopped communicating in a lot of areas of our life because I long ago adopted an attitude of "what's the use". I wasn't having sex so being attentive to her concerns slipped out of the equation. I'm making a big push to show her my attention in full again. I see the orthopedic doctor next week and will ask about having sex and if it will aggravate my back. I'm ready to let her be on top, something she always excelled at and liked when we were younger. Time to get this show back on the road!