Vanilla wife.

[dg_moore]

My wife and I are both well into our seventies. For my wife, sex was something we did, but not something we talked about. Ever. Those days are now far behind us, and I accepted long ago that that's just how she's wired. As somebody once said to me, 90% of a successful marriage is just putting up with one another.

[Reggieman]

Stephen54-
We've discussed it many times to no avail. She is happy the way she is and sees no need for change. Early on she tried to go along with some of my variety/frequency requests but her heart was not in it. There is no bigger turn off than trying to have sex with someone who doesn't really want to be there. No enthusiasm at all. She once told me that she has never been horny in her entire life, not even when she was young. She has expressed that the problem is mine, and furthermore, I am just oversexed. Although she has had several sex partners when younger and was married for 20+ years, she doesn't seem to understand men and sex or what part sex normally plays in a marriage.

She really doesn't like to discuss sex with me. She clams up and usually responds to most questions with, "I don't know." I think that most of the time she does know but doesn't want to answer truthfully.

I watched a video a while back that was of a sex counselor in Australia. She said women come in two varieties based on her research. The Red Hot Tomatoes who were sexual from the get go and the Damp Wood kind. Like damp wood they took much effort in preparation to get the fire to catch and burn. They had to work on themselves. along with the help of their partner, to get in the mood for sex . My wife has been mostly soaking wet wood. After 18+ plus years of begging, a prostatectomy (along with its side effects) and a natural lowering of my libido, I finally just quit asking for sex and now rely on E-stim to attempt getting "off".

Once warmed up she would have great orgasms. But once the orgasm was over she was physically and mentally "outa here." Having sex with her was always work for little reward. Very different from my first marriage where my partner, in the early years at least, had a very strong libido.

[stephen54]

Stephen54-
We've discussed it many times to no avail. She is happy the way she is and sees no need for change. Early on she tried to go along with some of my variety/frequency requests but her heart was not in it. There is no bigger turn off than trying to have sex with someone who doesn't really want to be there. No enthusiasm at all. She once told me that she has never been horny in her entire life, not even when she was young. She has expressed that the problem is mine, and furthermore, I am just oversexed. Although she has had several sex partners when younger and was married for 20+ years, she doesn't seem to understand men and sex or what part sex normally plays in a marriage.

She really doesn't like to discuss sex with me. She clams up and usually responds to most questions with, "I don't know." I think that most of the time she does know but doesn't want to answer truthfully.

I watched a video a while back that was of a sex counselor in Australia. She said women come in two varieties based on her research. The Red Hot Tomatoes who were sexual from the get go and the Damp Wood kind. Like damp wood they took much effort in preparation to get the fire to catch and burn. They had to work on themselves. along with the help of their partner, to get in the mood for sex . My wife has been mostly soaking wet wood. After 18+ plus years of begging, a prostatectomy (along with its side effects) and a natural lowering of my libido, I finally just quit asking for sex and now rely on E-stim to attempt getting "off".

Once warmed up she would have great orgasms. But once the orgasm was over she was physically and mentally "outa here." Having sex with her was always work for little reward. Very different from my first marriage where my partner, in the early years at least, had a very strong libido.

Hey Reggie,

Wow. I mean...I read what you wrote here about 3 times just to let some of your experience really sink in. I am so sorry for your difficulty with this. I totally get you about the turnoff of twisting someone's arm and begging them and then maybe they throw you a bone and lay there motionless until you come, then they're relieved it's over. That's beyond terrible. There's a actual dismissive cruelty to it. I experienced my own versions of that, at times, with my first wife for sure.

And while I did not divorce her directly due to sex itself, if I had to describe the reason for the divorce in broad terms? I would call it what some of the divorce attorneys here call it: alienation of affection. On multiple levels. Not just sex.

The fact that your wife sees no problem is obviously a problem. The fact that she does not see...you. I mean really see you - is a problem. And I would wager this is not limited to sex. And I would feel so much differently if you were describing a partner who rationally knows that she has a blank spot on sex, a deficit, a dysfunction of some sort, and if she at least said, "I don't know why I'm not interested in sex and I don't know what part might be physiological and what parts might be mental but I am going to take measurable steps to find out". I'd feel so much differently. But it sounds like she doesn't understand herself, doesn't even endeavor to better understand herself, and as a result doesn't care about your relationship enough to at minimal say, ok I need to find a very talented therapist to help me figure out what the fuck is sideways in me. They exist. They're a goddam phone call away.

And, through that process, maybe the goal isn't for her to fundamentally transform and become some sexual dynamo...maybe the goal is to agree to start finding some ways...modest little ways at first...to just meet you somewhere in the middle...on something. Her putting the focus and blame on you for being interested in sex is monstrous in my view. Obviously a defensive deflection and an inability (and, worse - an unwillingness) to look herself in the fucking mirror and work on her own shit. I'm ranting here, I know. But your story really hits me because I feel it pretty similarly and personally from long stretches of my first marriage and I lost so many years quietly hoping and praying and begging things to improve. But she fundamentally saw no deficit or gaps in her behaviors, either, and she was unwilling to change many things or to nudge some kind of compromises toward a middle ground, too, and it weighed so sadly and heavily on me for so long.

You are relevant here, Reggie. You deserve to be heard and seen and not dismissed as an outlier. Her behavior is in fact the outlier behavior. I hope something can change to encourage her to dig in, with a verifiable pro, to work on herself. She says she's "happy the way she is"? Bullshit. Oh, sweet bullshit....

[Robert66]

There is a saying here in asia these women still think men rule the earth and being submissive is just part of the job the only thing that upsets the balance is bringing them to the usa where they learn all about community property. Spousal rape and just say no