A Long Story - Please advise. Please help. Thank you!

[defiant]

Hello everyone,

I’m new to this thread but not to Frank Talk.

It’s my hope that with this, most likely, very lengthy post that follows, I can appeal to those who can offer me advice at a time in my life, when it is so desperately needed. I will try to be as eloquent and succinct as possible. And thank you in advance for taking the time to read this to the end, if indeed you do.

I am now 33 years old and recently single once more.

My battle with ED began at around the age of 22/23. It is very hard to remember the exact occasion or time where it began, as I’m sure it is for some here as well. There was NO incident of injury or disease. The over-riding feeling that stands out in my memory is noticing a decline in my ability to keep an erection whilst masturbating.

However, I can remember one specific occasion after a night out with my friends, whilst at university, where I brought a girl I found so hot, home with me and we engaged in the deed. I failed. I couldn’t stay hard. I don’t think I even managed to get it up. It’s hard to remember detail a decade on. But suffice to say it sucked. It hit me. And what’s more, is that her reaction was not favourable. This hit my psyche, HARD.

From this moment on, my personality being the obsessive one that it is, I became an observer and assessor of my own functionality each time I engaged in a sexual act.

In the early years it was manageable, I could still get hard. But it was always a TEST. Girlfriends would come and go and my function was good. I could still have sex, the old fashioned way! Fast forward to the age of 26…

At 26, I was in year 3 of a 4 year relationship with a very beautiful, loving woman. However, during this year, I fell ill and was later diagnosed with lymphoma. Obviously I was devastated and I went through an extremely harsh and trying treatment protocol, with several rounds of chemo and a stem cell transplant. I made it though. I made it. Thank the lord for my doctors and the British NHS.

The doctors asked me if anything else was wrong – I said, my erections aren’t what they used to be. So I was referred to urology. They performed the Doppler US and lo and behold, in their very flippant and clinical way – diagnosed me with a ‘minor venous leak’. Of course I paid no attention to the fact that AFTER the test, on my way home I was as hard as a rock for an hour. From this moment on, I was a believer in my own deficiency. It was real. It had a name! VENOUS LEAK. Do you know how painful it is to read about venous leak ‘knowing’ you have it. Of course many of you do and for you all - I know the pain all too well. But this was a false diagnosis. The damage of being told this, however, made it real to me and was sending my problem to new levels…to new depths...

I started on Cialis and of course, for me, it worked amazingly well. But I soon became dependent.

Not satisfied with the single opinion of the urologist who diagnosed me with venous leak, I sought a 2nd opinion with a sexual specialist or andrologist as they are known. Same test, this time, excellent results, reverse flow, no leak. Two years later, still not convinced, I sought another andrologist’s opinion. Same test again, no venous leak again. Time and time again they have told me that my mind is my problem. The stress hormones are constantly firing. My relationship with sex is terrible. I have an innate belief system that I am deficient. I cannot arouse in the ‘normal’, care-free way. And though not physical in origin, this is a very real, complex and damaging way to be.

Fast forward and several women later, each time becoming more and more afraid of ‘first times’, each year growing more and more obsessed with my erections, I have come to the point where sex with a woman without Cialis is very very likely to end in disaster. My obsession with my erections has led to permanent anxiety and I can barely stay hard long enough to masturbate to completion. Sometimes I will orgasm soft which hurts me deeply, emotionally and mentally.

However, I still often wake with morning wood even if it is brief. Up until recently, I have been able to masturbate to completion, hard at 100% even though left unattended it will fade quickly. I have been able to have sex without pills and receive oral without a few times, whilst in stress mode of course. With Cialis my function is perfect but with these new levels of constant and heightened anxiety, I fear that even these pills will no longer work.

Now, newly single and absolutely dreading sex – I’m at an impasse. I’m seeing a psychotherapist, I live healthily, I don’t drink or smoke. I’m seriously considering implanting myself.

Having read about it – it’s not as bad as one tends to think at first without all the information at hand. From what I can understand, they work amazingly well and when inserted by top surgeons, you lose little size though this isn’t a massive concern of mine. I just want reliable functionality and to relieve myself of this stress I’ve felt for 10 years.

They are reliable, they are easy to operate, and they offer real solutions. And as for the female opinion – I think any good woman, who loves you, cares about you, isn’t going to be put off by this at all! If anything she is likely to be happy that you are a happier person and with 100% functionality. This isn’t a fear of mine at all. My fear is not realising my dream in life which is simply to marry the woman I love and build a beautiful family together. That is my worst nightmare.

I am 97% sure I have no physical problem in origin. I guess therein lies a large part of this problem - the small belief there may be something physical at play. A weak pelvic floor, an undetected leak. Who knows. Either way, my mental state and bad relationship with my penis and sex has consumed all areas of my life. I’m nowhere near as productive as I could be. I am a good looking young man and I have turned down many one night stands or potential situations where sex could have come about. That is soul destroying.

Now I ask myself – do I want to put up with another decade of fear, anxiety and stress, with a long road back to normality if it is indeed even possible, with a new woman, during the best years of my life - important life-making years. Or is it a very real option to seek implantation on the grounds of debilitating anxiety and performance anxiety. As one of my andrologists said in this regard, we have to treat the problem. If that is the solution then so be it. (He was not pushing the implant on me I must note, just giving an example of how bad anxiety can become).

I personally have been through so much that I honestly wouldn’t be bothered by having to tell a partner. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Some people have prosthetic hands, some people take statins, some take HIV meds – anything that can improve your quality of life is nothing to be ashamed of, AT ALL.

So – to bring this very long history and story to a close, some questions:

1) Do you feel not having the natural arousal response anymore has had a detrimental impact on you and your mental state? Do you feel somewhat emasculated? Does it impact love-making in the opening salvos?
2) At 33, would I likely need revision surgery?
3) Are orgasms and ejaculations really as they were naturally? Is it true that in some cases, orgasm feel even better? (This may seem like a very stupid question, I apologise)
4) Were any of you in a state of depression after your surgery?
5) To what extent has it improved your quality of life?
6) Lastly but most importantly – to me – what do you think, having read my story, I should do?

My plan as it stands is to quit masturbation – it’s a test for me and I hate that. I will continue with psychotherapy and meditation and so on and so forth and hopefully I will be successful with the next girl (hopefully the one) on Cialis, regain some semblance of peace of mind and comfort and then some point down the line, in a year, 2, 3 or 10, seek implantation.

The only other choice is to do it NOW. And there is no turning back from that.

I know this was so long but my story is so long and so complex. To you all, God bless.

[David_R]

Do you feel not having the natural arousal response anymore has had a detrimental impact on you and your mental state? Do you feel somewhat emasculated?

The night before I had my prostate removed I masturbated because I knew it would be the last time I would see semen shoot out of my penis when I came/cummed/ejaculated. Do I miss this? Not really. It would be much much more difficult if I could not have an erection or an orgasm.
[Sorry about the incorrect scenario I posted earlier.]

[Donnie1954]

I'm dry and have been since my radiation treatments for prostate cancer. My prostate may never recover. All I ejeculate is little liquid I call my consentrate. I miss my semen sometimes but intercourse is less messy. My orgasms are still incredible!
Donnie

[defiant]

Do you feel not having the natural arousal response anymore has had a detrimental impact on you and your mental state? Do you feel somewhat emasculated?

The night before I had my implant put in I masturbated because I knew it would be the last time I would see semen shoot out of my penis when I came/cummed/ejaculated. Do I miss this? Not really. It would be much much more difficult if I could not have an erection or an orgasm.

I thought that with the implant, you could still orgasm and ejaculate as you normally would have done? That it doesn't affect this process......

[Donnie1954]

Orgasm and ejaculation having nothing to do with your implant. My ejaculation is dry due to a damaged prostate or in some cases a missing prostate (surgically removed). I ejeculate,(muscle spasms) just like any man but nothing comes out.
Donnie.

[defiant]

So, any suggestions as to what you think I should choose to do?

[Donnie1954]

If your a candidate for an implant, go for it. Don't look back. I have ABSOLUTELY no regrets! Just get a good compassionate qualified surgeon.
Donnie.

[David_R]

Do you feel not having the natural arousal response anymore has had a detrimental impact on you and your mental state? Do you feel somewhat emasculated?

The night before I had my prostate removed I masturbated because I knew it would be the last time I would see semen shoot out of my penis when I came/cummed/ejaculated. Do I miss this? Not really. It would be much much more difficult if I could not have an erection or an orgasm.
[Sorry about the incorrect scenario I said first.

I thought that with the implant, you could still orgasm and ejaculate as you normally would have done? That it doesn't affect this process......[/quote]

[defiant]

It's such a big decision for someone with essentially no physical problem but a mental problem the size of NYC

[Cnidium]

Defiant,

I am 26 and am going through a very similar situation. To answer your questions:

1. Cant answer this yet. Do not feel emasculated if you dont want to be. As I have told other people here, if you act like you dont give a shit and are just fine with your situation, no one else is going to care.

2. Yes you will probably need a revision around every 10 years or so.

3. From what I hear you still orgasm and ejaculate the same.

4. Cant answer this yet, but I dont plan to be.

5. ...

6. I think you should do the implant. You wont be young forever. Get the implant, have ownership of it, be in command of your situation and go find some women.

You are from the UK, so this can make things tricky. I cant comment on UK surgeons, but Dr. Kramer and Dr. Eid (in the US) are the two best surgeons in the worlds (IMO and many others). I would highly recommend considering them for your implant. You dont want someone to mess this up.