DaveKell wrote:It occurred to me last night that I needed a stroll down memory lane. ,,,voluminous photo albums my wife assembled over the years. ...to remind myself of what our life used to be like to set some goals to get back to those times. (edited for brevity)
DaveKell wrote:
I'm obsessed with fucking...making love doesn't enter my mind foremost. I'm finding it's incredibly hard to roll back almost 20 years of having been walled off from her. It's proving to be difficult to get past having been shut off for so long.
My Girlfriend has been following my progress to implantation for a year and also has read many of the posts here on FrankTalk and she and I have had frank discussions about gender and gender-influenced attitudes and feelings. Men and women feel differently about romance, marriage and sex, etc. We all know this, but no one REALLY grasps wholly the other sex's point of view. One can appreciate it, even understand it, but one cannot LIVE it.
So, she had this comment:
In answer to post from Davekell:
From a woman’s point of view:
Women are made the opposite from men. Yes, at a young age, women are hungry for sex. As we age, women have hormonal changes as I’m sure you know. These hormones more or less depict what our bodies are willing to do. It is not her fault she has other interest in life. The house, the kids, car pool, cooking, grocery shopping and laundry, etc. are just a few things on her mind. I’m not saying it’s your fault either. You had issues and you worked to fix them.
You have stated it has been a long time since you have been intimate with your wife. She has now moved on to “getting her body in shape for her own benefit”. You can’t expect her to fall all over you just because you have a new toy if you have ignored her for a long time. It’s wonderful that you have a new implant and I hope she will come around. Keep up lavishing non sexual attention on your wife being especially sincere and hopefully it will get her back to the beginning of your marriage.
To which I add:
You cannot recover your relationship by "rolling back" the way you came. Marital troubles cannot be retraced upstream the way it was travelled downstream. You must go back to the beginning. Go back to before your wife first fell in love with you and start from there. Begin by retracing your courtship and nurture and grow a NEW relationship. You are fortunate that the path you followed before is well-marked with the photo albums you mentioned and the memories you share. Tap into those feelings in yourself and she will almost certainly echo and re-experience the feelings of being treasured by you. Treasured for herself, not just for sex. She will see again what she treasured about you before you ever had sex.
Nymphomaniacal sex is great and often is a power source for a new relationship; deeper love flows forth as a by-product. But you two are beyond that now. You must tap into that deeper love for ITS energy to power your NEW relationship. Then sex can flow forth as a by-product. Thus a renewed and stronger, more mature relationship can flow forth.
She loved you for you in your entirety, not for your penis. She wants to be (no, needs to be) loved for her entirey, not just her body. If she feels that your interest in her body is the uppermost thing in your mind (and heart) it is likely she will feel objectified. Feeling like a sex object is the quickest way to turn a woman off. It is not a compliment.
E.D causes a lack nutrients and oxygen which may cause a man's penis to shrink, lose elasticity and atrophy. A woman's love is not much different. The life-blood of her love for you is supplied by your attention to her complete self.
Flowers delivered unexpectedly. Date nights with no pressure for or expectation of sex. Foot rubs when she is tired. Slip a note into her shoe when she is going out shoe shopping saying "I love you" so she will discover it unexpectedly. Little things like that are a way to reassure a woman that you want HER, not just want to fuck her. Little things like that open a woman's heart that may have been closed off by years of neglect.
Women hate it when they feel that a man thinks of them as just a vagina attached to a person. They respond to being valued as a person, then willingly give that vagina to the one who values HER, rather than her vagina. If the signals you are giving her do not tell her YOU ARE that man, you MUST (once again) BE that man (before someone else steps up). BE that man your wife fell in love with during your FIRST courtship.