Anatomical suicide wrote:I often read here on Franktalk enthusiastic post where the implant is described as a life-changing choice able to bring back not only a functioning penis but even a stable psychological and mental condition previously devastated by the erectile dysfunction.
The reason why i got surgery was the same reason why other individuals decide to get a prosthesis implanted due to a missing ability; a leg prosthesis gives you the ability to run or even walk again. A harm prosthesis gives you the ability to hold a pen, drive, hug and do things you couldn't do before going for such surgery.
It's all about being able to do something you couldn't do because of a persistent disability.
The only aim I had when I took the plunge was to be able to perform, sexually speaking, in someway. Since pills didn't work, VED was ridiculous and, given my age, injection weren't even an option I was forced to get a 3 piece installed between my legs at 27. I didn't have any alternative apart from suicide which, by the way, is still in my head 24 hours a day.
I don't want to concentrate my attention on the recovery, on the surgery itself or on what I've been gone and going through to deal with such cataclysm at 27 as if ED weren't enough.
Those are secondary elements.
The aspect that I'd like to share and outline is that AFTER surgery NOTHING changed as for the way I think, conceive thinks and consider myself. I was born with a crippling disability which has prevented me since day one from having erections and thus a normal, fulfilling sexual life that the vast majority of the guys of my age have without being even aware of it. A true, severe venous leakage is not a clinical issue or a treatable condition. Is a crippling disability whose onset can EASILY lead the individuals suffering from it to an indescribable dimension in which the end of your existence becomes a relentless desire. The only one crossing your mind. All the rest ceases to exist.
The implant in my case wasn't life-changing. I didn't expect it to be so. Neither did i expect it to transform or cancel the whole of traumatic experiences I lived in the past due to a genetic disorder that took completely and irreversibly away my manhood, my self-esteem, my entire existence as a - supposed - man.
Two silicon cylinders and a bulb cannot restore a manhood which has never existed. I'll always be a biological failure, a freak of nature as well as a victim of the genetic lottery. I lost it.
Since I'm and I'll be until the end all the aforementioned the implant is a consequence of it, not a solution to it. It's the tragic conclusion of a traumatic sequence of predetermined occurrences.
Being able to perform keeps being the only and unique reason behind the choice of getting this kind of surgery. Let alone how. But for the rest, at least in my case, my modus pensandi hasn't been altered and with high probability will never be.
I've never been a man, i don't feel like it right now with a fake dick and I'm realistic enough to consider a penile prosthesis at the age of 27 a condemnation rather than the superpower described here.
Or maybe I have a slightly different conception of superpower.
Obviously you are not feeling good. You did get some tough response here, which I principally agree with. You are not the only one with ED and you are definitely not the only one with serious health issues around here. If I remember right, there is as an example a member here who is blind, in a wheelchair and with ED forcing him to get implanted. Just as a benchmark.
I have, just like you, had a VL since forever. Well maybe not forever, I remember having longlasting erections as a young kid. Perhaps 10-12 years old. But once I even started to masturbate and making out with girls, I knew something was not right. My erections just wouldn't stay hard.
So I have lived with this shit forever as well. Always having the risk of embarrassment when having sex with a girl. Always could have been feeling like a lesser man, like a freak, like whatever.
And I have been writing numerous times in My Journal her on FT (
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=6010) that just getting an implant won't necessarily fix the mental problem of being impotent. If someone wanted to, chose to, or could not avoid it, he could easily continue to feel like an impotent freak. Like being cursed. Instead of feeling shit about not having a proper erection when needed, he could feel like a freak with a plastic dick. And the curse, the feeling of "why did this have to happen to me" could easily still be there after an implant.
I guess you put a face on that picture I painted. You exemplified that theory.
That goes for every medical fix though I guess. If you crush your knee in a motorcycle accident and need a knee implant, you could still curse that your new knee doesn't work as well as the old natural one, you could still feel shit about the bad luck that struck you. Even having your vision reduced and needing glasses could use the same reasoning.
Yes, tough shit. That's what it's like. Nobody ever said a knee implant would be as good as, and making people as happy as when having their natural knee. Nobody said wearing glasses to be able to read the menu at a restaurant would be as good as not needing any glasses.
But fact is now we need this shit. We need those glasses or those dick implants. Not saying that an implant in my dick is at the same planet as glasses, but still.
Regarding your extremely negative view of life...
That's how you feel, yes. Not sure anybody here can change that, and I am not even trying actually. But I am still going to write this. If you are not interested or receptive, maybe someone else is. This is a forum for implants, and discussing implants is what we do here.
I don't know why your situation would be any worse than mine. We both had ED for life. I am older than you, but that's even worse for me. I had to live with that shit from puberty till I was in my forties. You fixed it at 27. At 27 I still could not have a reliable erection. Not for another 15 years or so, till I got implanted.
Being implanted at 27 is still better than what I had - being impotent at 27.
But I didn't dig a hole for myself and jumped down feeling sorry for myself.
Maybe I felt a bit sorry for myself, but I went on with my life. I did the best I could, just as I would have if my dick would have worked as it should.
I had the best sex I could. I used pills, cock rings. I adjusted my behaviour in bed. I was fast and furious so to say. High friction from penetration till ejaculation to avoid my crap dick going down. Preferred to be an egoistic lover than to be hung out as an impotent bastard.
But despite that style, I had plenty of failures, plenty of shitty moments.
They hurt, they made me feel like crap every time. But I never let that stop me from living my life, from being the best version I could make of myself.
Now, being implanted, yes of course I can still feel life has been unfair. Why would I be hit by this VL crap. Why me? There is no answer to that question. People get hit by all sorts of medical issues. Probably many more than you think. Because just as people on the street don't know you're implanted, you don't know that people on the street have cancer, diabetes, dementia, parkinson's disease, a plastic bag on their stomach where their shit comes out, a speaking disorder, depression, severe back pain - or whatever.
And honestly, your curse could at least be partially fixed. The function is there. You can use your dick to fuck. You literally restored function. As with every medical fix, it won't be as good as the original, but you restored the basic function. Millions of people can't.
I honestly don't think your mental state is what it is only because of your dick. If so, then why aren't all men around here depressed? Why ain't I? I have had exactly the same shit as you have had, only for twice as long time as you. All the same, I just had to suffer twice as long, twice as many times.
You need to get out of that zone in some way. I was never a big fan of therapists, I always thought I could steer my life through whatever shit was dumped at me.
If you cannot, then you should try to talk to someone who can help you change your view.
Because unless you have a truckload of other issues, you don't really place yourself that low on the list of suckers with shitty health issues.
You have an attitude problem which far exceeds your health problems. You could live a fantastic life with your implanted dick if you wanted to, or if you would allow yourself to.
I do, and plenty of others do. I hate the fact that I was cursed by VL. But I get on with my shit and I think my implant is a fantastic solution to that problem. It lets me have sex, and it lets me get on with my life.
The "I am not a man" BS is just that. BS. As someone wrote here, nobody you meet knows you have a VL, an implant, and that you used to be impotent. Plenty of people you meet, whom you consider to be "real men" probably have an issue with their dicks. You can't see that. So the perception that you are not a man is in your head. It's not a fact, it's not out there as a law of nature. You decide what kind of a man you are. Your position on the scale of manlihood, the definition and perception by others, are there for the taking. It's all up to you. And maybe fucking around, one new partner every weekend, won't be as convenient with an implant as with a working natural dick. But being a man, manliness, is not defined by how many women you fuck. Plenty of fucking losers in this world have fucked dozens of women. And plenty of real men have fucked a handful. Any idiot can find another idiot to have sex with. That's not related to being a man.
You can have sex with as many women as your charm, your personality, your fishing waters, allow you. It's not because of your implant.
I have had sex with women outside my marriage. Never once has my implant stopped me, never once has it made that sex poor. Lack of deeper feelings, too much alcohol, my conscience - all of them did sometimes make that sex poor. But never my implant.
So maybe I should take that back, about the unconvenience of having one night stands with an implant. It actually worked really good for me. Occasionally someone noticed something in my scrotum. But never did it lead to problem, awkward discussion. And never ever did it prevent the sex from happening. So go ahead. Fuck around if you think that is the definition of a man.
Or you skip that route, date women you are interested in. Find your life partner eventually, and get on with your life as a man.
The implant does not restrict your life's potential. You do. Or you don't. That's your choice.
