Yet Another Journal

[hanknyman]

I’m sorry to hear that NYC. Ruby called me to cancel my pre op visit with Dr Eid yesterday. I was hoping your replacement would not be canceled and I’m sorry to see it was. I’m scheduled for 1/6 and to see him the day before on 1/5. Let’s hope that he recovers quickly and that we can move ahead with the procedures.

[NYCGay]

I’m sorry to hear that NYC. Ruby called me to cancel my pre op visit with Dr Eid yesterday. I was hoping your replacement would not be canceled and I’m sorry to see it was. I’m scheduled for 1/6 and to see him the day before on 1/5. Let’s hope that he recovers quickly and that we can move ahead with the procedures.

Glad to hear that you are able to proceed pretty soon, in spite of the cancellation.

Ruby from Dr. Eid's office called me today and offered to squeeze me in on December 30, knowing that I must have the procedure done before the end of the year for there to be any chance that my insurance company will cover any part of the cost at all. But after considering it for a few seconds, I turned it down. I will have family from overseas visiting then, which doesn't happen often. I can't spend their visit being bedridden.

So now I'm scheduled for January 16, exactly four weeks from today. No catastrophe, I guess. But still a fucking downer. By now, I had thought I would be flat on my back in bed, with ice bags on my package, sending my husband to get me ice cream and cookies. I was so much looking forward to having the procedure behind me. Now it's like all the tense nervousness leading up to this morning was for nought and I have to start over being nervous again.

And it's not just the nervousness, but also that my next erection just got pushed back by four weeks. I miss my hard-on. I miss feeling it hard in my hand, even if I just jerk off. I miss just knowing that I can get hard if I want to, even if I have no reason to be at that particular moment. And I miss the kind of sex I could have with a hard cock.

Sorry for all the whining. I'll get over it. But right now, I just feel ... tricked somehow.

[Kodixx]

NYCGay, I know that feeling -- mine was cancelled twice. First he had some schedule issue, second time I came down with COVID days before, then third time was the charm. Hang in there !

- Chuck

I'll get over it. But right now, I just feel ... tricked somehow.

[GoodWood]

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

So sorry. That’s really a bummer. Hang in there. Some things are just beyond our control (virtually everything is if I think about it very long).

Enjoy the visit with your family and hopefully everything will move along smoothly from here on out.

[NYCGay]

Some things are just beyond our control (virtually everything is if I think about it very long).

Indeed. You just have to learn to roll with it.

Enjoy the visit with your family and hopefully everything will move along smoothly from here on out.

Thank you. At least, this will make my family visit easier. But, fuck, I miss my erections.

[NYCGay]

NYCGay, I know that feeling -- mine was cancelled twice. First he had some schedule issue, second time I came down with COVID days before, then third time was the charm. Hang in there !

- Chuck

Thank you! Having it cancelled twice sure must have been frustrating. Once everything has been decided, you just want it over with. Waiting feels like being in limbo.

[hanknyman]

Hang in there NYC. It will be worth the wait. I’m just hoping that Dr Eid will recover quickly and fully and continue to help us become whole again.

[LetoMan]

Sorry to hear it NYC. Hang in there. It sucks to get geared up and then surgery cancelled. I had that my first time because they gave me the wrong instructions on a particular med, had to wait two or three weeks after last minute cancellation. It sucked at the ti e, but I promptly forgot! You’ll be back soon.

[NYCGay]

Four days till revision: time to start getting nervous again


I'm in need of four different surgeries: prostate shrinking, penile implant replacement, cataract left eye, and cataract right eye. All four of them have now been postponed, one after the other, for different reasons. The latest was the first cataract surgery, which I was supposed to have today. But last week, the doctor’s office told me that there seemed to be some issue with my new insurance. It turned out that the insurance company had not processed our enrollment, the problem being that my husband and I have different last names. The temporary member ID number we had been given by his employer while waiting for the actual insurance card was not in effect, so I was effectively uninsured. It’s all been sorted out now, but since I didn’t know how long it might take, I had to cancel today’s surgery. That means that the cataract surgery for my other eye, which I was supposed to have in four weeks, also gets pushed back.

But at least I’m still scheduled for implant revision with Dr. Eid this Friday. I was originally supposed to have it just before Christmas, but he cancelled, due to not feeling well. Only four days left now, so I guess it’s time to start being nervous again: nervous about the surgery itself, and nervous that it may be postponed again. (More on that later.)

I miss having sex. Sure, theoretically, I could still seek out sex with guys who’d be interesting in topping me, without me having to be hard. Not every guy I used to top got hard, and I could still enjoy fucking them. But I enjoyed fucking those who did get hard even more, giving me something sturdy to hold on to as I pushed inside them. And after my decades of humiliating ED, I can’t stand the thought of putting myself in a sexual situation where I would have to explain my flaccid, non-cooperative dick.

So I go without. It’s now been almost three months, and this sexless life has started feeling like a new normal. But it’s a new normal I don’t like. I feel old, decrepit and unsexy. Or, in one word: impotent.

I told the main guy I see on the side about my implant, to explain why I haven’t been able to get down to business with him. He seemed unfazed, and I was consoled by this reaction when I texted him that my surgery had been postponed: “OMG. WTF.” I feel flattered by his impatience. He wants to get my dick fixed so I can give him a good pounding again.

While waiting for that, he suggested we go to a spa together. I was touched. It was like he strove to come up with something that would let us hang out together, mostly undressed, in a sensual environment, but where actual sex was off the table. We had a nice couple of hours, moving among hot and cold pools, saunas and steam-rooms. When we hugged and kissed goodbye outside my building afterwards, he moaned how frustrating it felt to part ways, instead of him joining me to my bed, as he usually would. I agreed, but I couldn’t bear having him in my bed when I’m not able to give him what he wants. I’m so glad that he clearly wants us to be fucking again, as soon as I’ve gotten the new implant and have healed enough.

Now I just pray to Zeus that there won’t be another delay, but I’m not sure those prayers will be answered. I woke up today to the news that New York State Nurses Association has called a strike. A quick Google search indicates that non-emergency surgeries at the Manhattan Eye, Ear, and Throat Hospital, where Dr. Eid operates, are likely to be affected. I emailed Dr. Eid’s office just now to ask about it. I certainly to begrudge nurses their right to go on strike; I just bemoan my bad luck. I don’t seem to be able to get any of the surgeries I need done. I can deal with the delays that I’ve had of my prostate and cataract surgeries, but, please, not another postponement of the revision surgery. Fuck,
I need my dick back!

[Nick74]

Four days till revision: time to start getting nervous again


I'm in need of four different surgeries: prostate shrinking, penile implant replacement, cataract left eye, and cataract right eye. All four of them have now been postponed, one after the other, for different reasons. The latest was the first cataract surgery, which I was supposed to have today. But last week, the doctor’s office told me that there seemed to be some issue with my new insurance. It turned out that the insurance company had not processed our enrollment, the problem being that my husband and I have different last names. The temporary member ID number we had been given by his employer while waiting for the actual insurance card was not in effect, so I was effectively uninsured. It’s all been sorted out now, but since I didn’t know how long it might take, I had to cancel today’s surgery. That means that the cataract surgery for my other eye, which I was supposed to have in four weeks, also gets pushed back.

But at least I’m still scheduled for implant revision with Dr. Eid this Friday. I was originally supposed to have it just before Christmas, but he cancelled, due to not feeling well. Only four days left now, so I guess it’s time to start being nervous again: nervous about the surgery itself, and nervous that it may be postponed again. (More on that later.)

I miss having sex. Sure, theoretically, I could still seek out sex with guys who’d be interesting in topping me, without me having to be hard. Not every guy I used to top got hard, and I could still enjoy fucking them. But I enjoyed fucking those who did get hard even more, giving me something sturdy to hold on to as I pushed inside them. And after my decades of humiliating ED, I can’t stand the thought of putting myself in a sexual situation where I would have to explain my flaccid, non-cooperative dick.

So I go without. It’s now been almost three months, and this sexless life has started feeling like a new normal. But it’s a new normal I don’t like. I feel old, decrepit and unsexy. Or, in one word: impotent.

I told the main guy I see on the side about my implant, to explain why I haven’t been able to get down to business with him. He seemed unfazed, and I was consoled by this reaction when I texted him that my surgery had been postponed: “OMG. WTF.” I feel flattered by his impatience. He wants to get my dick fixed so I can give him a good pounding again.

While waiting for that, he suggested we go to a spa together. I was touched. It was like he strove to come up with something that would let us hang out together, mostly undressed, in a sensual environment, but where actual sex was off the table. We had a nice couple of hours, moving among hot and cold pools, saunas and steam-rooms. When we hugged and kissed goodbye outside my building afterwards, he moaned how frustrating it felt to part ways, instead of him joining me to my bed, as he usually would. I agreed, but I couldn’t bear having him in my bed when I’m not able to give him what he wants. I’m so glad that he clearly wants us to be fucking again, as soon as I’ve gotten the new implant and have healed enough.

Now I just pray to Zeus that there won’t be another delay, but I’m not sure those prayers will be answered. I woke up today to the news that New York State Nurses Association has called a strike. A quick Google search indicates that non-emergency surgeries at the Manhattan Eye, Ear, and Throat Hospital, where Dr. Eid operates, are likely to be affected. I emailed Dr. Eid’s office just now to ask about it. I certainly to begrudge nurses their right to go on strike; I just bemoan my bad luck. I don’t seem to be able to get any of the surgeries I need done. I can deal with the delays that I’ve had of my prostate and cataract surgeries, but, please, not another postponement of the revision surgery. Fuck,
I need my dick back!

Hey brother, I’m really sorry to hear that so much has hit you all at once. That has to be incredibly frustrating. As we get older, patience becomes part of the process even when it’s hard and sometimes life teaches us lessons the tough way. I’ll definitely keep you in my prayers, my brother. The best is still ahead.I’m on Day 4 of my own journey as well, and of course I’m sexless right now same for my wife and I’m pretty sure she needs it even more than I do (she’s younger ). But this is part of the process. One step at a time.Wishing you the best with your revision, and please keep us updated here. Stay strong.