My ED story (UK)

[siltmonkey]

Week 6

The biggest news so far is that I can now wear underwear. Actual underwear. Things that get between my skin and trousers. Oh I can wear trousers too. Who would have thought that boxers and trousers would provide so much joy?
3 weeks ago I couldn't bend my penis without it aching quickly, but now I can have it tucked down without thinking too much about it. Although I do think about it. A lot.

It's so much larger than before. Not erect but just sitting there, bulging in my clothes and touching my legs. Apparently it's not visible and who cares about the handful of weird people watching everyone's crotch? But I realise I'm going to have to get used to this 'thing' down there. It's there when I sit down. It's there when I stand up. It's there when I scratch. I sometimes have to scratch a lot further down now. It feels strange when I walk. But I didn't get stared at when I was out shopping the other day and I wasn't arrested for indecent-looking leggings so I'm happy.

I took the advice from a lot of people on here and got Separatec briefs with the front pouch. Now that my penis is a little more malleable, these briefs work well, especially the front pouch. It's a lot better than the condoms, which kept falling off and out my trouser leg rather alarmingly, and better even than the soft bandage that I wore a lot, and really should have changed more frequently than I did. I can even fit in jeans, which means no more baggy trousers. I don't have to look like MC Hammer anymore.

Daily inflating/deflating is still going well. I'm getting used to now many pumps it takes. I'm waiting for may doctor's appointment to give me the all-clear for everything. They did say wait 6 weeks before using it 'in anger' but I'd like them to check everything first. It's still strange to walk around with an erection. Lots to get used to.

The New Year even found me walking up hills and along rocks on a short holiday near the coast. While I didn't join in with the midday swim in the freezing Atlantic, I really felt for the first time in a long time that it wouldn't be too long before I could conceivably do it. I would probably be the only one whose dick doesn't shrink in the cold.

With some new legwear (slightly looser and with fabric that seems to disguise anything that might want to poke out slightly), I'm ready to return to work. I have warned them that I might need to pee a little more often than usual, that I will need to sit more than I used to and that I will be unlikely to do any balance-beam gymnastics. But at least I won't have to turn up in clown trousers.

[cbinspok]

All happy siltmonkey! Wonderful to hear. A positive attitude is very helpful in the implant world:)
Have a great new year, I suspect you will be having a amazing new year! When you’re new penis softens up it will hang much better, I don’t wear underwear in warm months ant typically just thin shorts and never get much reaction from passers by. Hardly shows but a blip when walking.
Carry on brother

[Never_Enough]

This is quite out of character for me, writing about myself, but for some reason I wanted to put down my journey so far. This forum is very open and honest which is a blessing. If anyone gets anything from my posts that's fantastic. If not, no loss. I'll update it over the weeks when I can. It's been a few weeks already so some posts will come quickly. Feel free to reply and ask any questions, but please avoid saying anything along the lines of, 'You shouldn't have done this or that, that surgeon is no good, your recovery should be x amount of time, you're doomed because you didn't... etc.' I'm on a one-way street, I can't go back and I'm still mentally fragile. 'Shoulda woulda coulda' will crush me all over again. Thanks for your understanding.

So here is my frank and highly personal account so far. I ask for no pity, only compassion. This could be quite cathartic.

Part 1 - Background

I am a 40-something man and have had ED forever.

I always thought it was normal to be 'rubbish'. I assumed anyone who got and kept erections easily was a lucky freak of nature.
I am tall, decent-looking enough and, I guess, funny enough that girls didn't run off immediately when they saw me. It didn't really help.

On the rare occasions I got involved with a girl, I had to vigorously masturbate to get an erection and would then rush to shove it in so it wouldn't disappear, and I learned to hold myself on the edge of ejaculation to prolong the erection.
I couldn't use condoms - even if it was out of the packet ready, by the time I put it on I had lost my erection. I had another condom in my pocket, unopened, all the time I was at university.

There were very rare occasions when I would stay hard, after which I would need to pee. I thought I'd spotted a pattern, so would sometimes drink a lot beforehand to see if it worked. Occasionally it did. Does bladder pressing have any effect? I still don't know and it didn't work very often. Although it may have had something to do with what I discovered later.

What I also thought was normal, and what really hurts, was the constant fear of failure. That crushing, chest-tightening anxiety when you are with someone you like and really really want to have sex but you know it probably won't work.

However many times someone says, 'Penetration isn't the only sexual thing,' it makes no difference when you yet again gamble your happiness for another 6/7 months on whether your penis is going to stay up longer than a toddler's attention span. You're a sexual failure. Yes, I got good at oral and massage and everything else but at some point you want to really 'join' with that person and you can't. I remember on two occasions someone was interested in me (go me!) and we'd kiss. But both times, I pretended I was too drunk to do anything and then pretended to fall asleep to avoid the shame of not being able to do what seemingly every other guy could do.

At some point in my mid twenties, I gave up. I just thought that sex was not something I was supposed to do. I was a Darwinian dead-end. Oh I wanted sex. I think I have a very high sex drive (always thinking about it and always wanting it). But i couldn't do it. So I 'quit'. I stopped trying to meet girls, which was always awkward anyway. I did my own things, started different hobbies and resigned myself to a life of singledom and masturbation. There were some very dark days.

This is not a sob story, by the way.

Around the age of 26, a girl actually asked me out. She was very pretty, fun and seemed interested. I wasn't sure. Here we go again. What excuse shall I make after we've kissed for a few minutes? Shall I do oral for half an hour just so I can hide me masturbating to some form of hardness?

For some strange reason she didn't notice (it turns out she did) and kept coming back for more. I still had the same problems but, and this is how strange the world is, I ended up marrying her. I even have two children. Sure, a lot of the time I felt that sex was desperate and like trying to get the toothpaste back into the tube, but at least I wasn't on my own. I'm still with her. In many ways I feel monstrously and unworthily lucky. I guess some women are looking for stability/someone funny/someone tall/someone decent-looking enough to not have ugly children/someone safe that they are happy to overlook terrible penile performance.

But of course, eventually what sex we had became less regular. Rushed. Failed. Pep talks: 'You're just tired.' 'It doesn't matter.' But this is a woman who chose to spend her life with me who is making excuses for me. That hurts. I want to make her world move. I want to take her to the moon and back. And yes, I want to feel less of a failure. I asked my wife to be honest about it. She finally said that she knew I had a problem but that is was ok. She liked the rest of me and that made up for it. Other guys she had been with were not like me. They had erections that lasted as long as they wanted.

So I finally started reading about ED. I went to the doctor and got the pills. Different types. A couple of times they worked. It was a revelation. So THAT'S what my dick is supposed to do. My wife enjoyed it. Different positions. Rushing but then realising I didn't have to. Wow. But then the pills stopped working. I was given injections but they gave my a stinging rash. Therapy was a joke.

So after about 5 years (Covid got in the way), I was given the final option - an implant.

I had actually read about a guy in my country who had had one and it had changed his life. I started fantasising. Could I turn into a sexual tyrannosaur? Would it change my life?

I started reading more about them but realised it's a large rabbit hole to fall down - promises, pitfalls and lost hours finding the final forum post that would give the answer. It turns out there is no answer. Only suggestions, hunches, some expertise and a lot of luck.

So I finally met with a consultant surgeon who explained about implants, how they are end-stage (no going back because they take out the erectile tissue). I went away and thought about it. I played with the pump device. I asked my wife. She, predictably, said, 'If it will make you happier then yes.'

More meetings, more months of over-thinking, worrying and a useless dick that didn't stay up. So I finally said yes. I played more with the device, the surgery was explained thoroughly and I took probably the biggest plunge of my life. I could have said no. I could have continued the desultory, derisory 'performance' and feeling awful every time. But I chose to gamble. I am shooting for the moon. I feel a bit brave. I could be doing something really stupid. But I'm not getting younger. Do I want to get to 70 and say, 'I wish I'd tried that.'? No. So here goes.

Did you get yours with Dr Ralph? He is who I was considering.

[siltmonkey]

Hi,

No I got it on the NHS in South London. If you really want to know who and where I'll PM you.

[SWorks17]

Niiice update Siltmonkey!

When I first started going out in public the wifey was afraid that someone would see my bulging but flaccid Bionic Weapon! Lol
She had me in loose athletic pants with over sized shirts or sweat shirts to cover him. Lol

Definitely no light gray pants, then it would look like Godzilla on the rampage! Lol

Now that I’m four years out, she doesn’t usually say anything now.

Keep healing up, and soon you’ll get to take your Bionic Weapon out for a spin!

Your Bionic Brother in Texas,
SWorks

[Valdekio]

On the rare occasions I got involved with a girl, I had to vigorously masturbate to get an erection and would then rush to shove it in so it wouldn't disappear, and I learned to hold myself on the edge of ejaculation to prolong the erection.
I couldn't use condoms - even if it was out of the packet ready, by the time I put it on I had lost my erection. I had another condom in my pocket, unopened, all the time I was at university.
Yeah I know what you are talking about. Over the last many years prior to getting my implant I used to joke with my wife about folding it in and then I would have to pump just right to keep the "magic" happening. Thankfully it hasn't been a lifetime experience for me but long enough of dealing with meds, injections, pumps etc. I am very happy with my new and spontaneous I might add on demand hard on.