My ED story (UK)

[siltmonkey]

This is quite out of character for me, writing about myself, but for some reason I wanted to put down my journey so far. This forum is very open and honest which is a blessing. If anyone gets anything from my posts that's fantastic. If not, no loss. I'll update it over the weeks when I can. It's been a few weeks already so some posts will come quickly. Feel free to reply and ask any questions, but please avoid saying anything along the lines of, 'You shouldn't have done this or that, that surgeon is no good, your recovery should be x amount of time, you're doomed because you didn't... etc.' I'm on a one-way street, I can't go back and I'm still mentally fragile. 'Shoulda woulda coulda' will crush me all over again. Thanks for your understanding.

So here is my frank and highly personal account so far. I ask for no pity, only compassion. This could be quite cathartic.

Part 1 - Background

I am a 40-something man and have had ED forever.

I always thought it was normal to be 'rubbish'. I assumed anyone who got and kept erections easily was a lucky freak of nature.
I am tall, decent-looking enough and, I guess, funny enough that girls didn't run off immediately when they saw me. It didn't really help.

On the rare occasions I got involved with a girl, I had to vigorously masturbate to get an erection and would then rush to shove it in so it wouldn't disappear, and I learned to hold myself on the edge of ejaculation to prolong the erection.
I couldn't use condoms - even if it was out of the packet ready, by the time I put it on I had lost my erection. I had another condom in my pocket, unopened, all the time I was at university.

There were very rare occasions when I would stay hard, after which I would need to pee. I thought I'd spotted a pattern, so would sometimes drink a lot beforehand to see if it worked. Occasionally it did. Does bladder pressing have any effect? I still don't know and it didn't work very often. Although it may have had something to do with what I discovered later.

What I also thought was normal, and what really hurts, was the constant fear of failure. That crushing, chest-tightening anxiety when you are with someone you like and really really want to have sex but you know it probably won't work.

However many times someone says, 'Penetration isn't the only sexual thing,' it makes no difference when you yet again gamble your happiness for another 6/7 months on whether your penis is going to stay up longer than a toddler's attention span. You're a sexual failure. Yes, I got good at oral and massage and everything else but at some point you want to really 'join' with that person and you can't. I remember on two occasions someone was interested in me (go me!) and we'd kiss. But both times, I pretended I was too drunk to do anything and then pretended to fall asleep to avoid the shame of not being able to do what seemingly every other guy could do.

At some point in my mid twenties, I gave up. I just thought that sex was not something I was supposed to do. I was a Darwinian dead-end. Oh I wanted sex. I think I have a very high sex drive (always thinking about it and always wanting it). But i couldn't do it. So I 'quit'. I stopped trying to meet girls, which was always awkward anyway. I did my own things, started different hobbies and resigned myself to a life of singledom and masturbation. There were some very dark days.

This is not a sob story, by the way.

Around the age of 26, a girl actually asked me out. She was very pretty, fun and seemed interested. I wasn't sure. Here we go again. What excuse shall I make after we've kissed for a few minutes? Shall I do oral for half an hour just so I can hide me masturbating to some form of hardness?

For some strange reason she didn't notice (it turns out she did) and kept coming back for more. I still had the same problems but, and this is how strange the world is, I ended up marrying her. I even have two children. Sure, a lot of the time I felt that sex was desperate and like trying to get the toothpaste back into the tube, but at least I wasn't on my own. I'm still with her. In many ways I feel monstrously and unworthily lucky. I guess some women are looking for stability/someone funny/someone tall/someone decent-looking enough to not have ugly children/someone safe that they are happy to overlook terrible penile performance.

But of course, eventually what sex we had became less regular. Rushed. Failed. Pep talks: 'You're just tired.' 'It doesn't matter.' But this is a woman who chose to spend her life with me who is making excuses for me. That hurts. I want to make her world move. I want to take her to the moon and back. And yes, I want to feel less of a failure. I asked my wife to be honest about it. She finally said that she knew I had a problem but that is was ok. She liked the rest of me and that made up for it. Other guys she had been with were not like me. They had erections that lasted as long as they wanted.

So I finally started reading about ED. I went to the doctor and got the pills. Different types. A couple of times they worked. It was a revelation. So THAT'S what my dick is supposed to do. My wife enjoyed it. Different positions. Rushing but then realising I didn't have to. Wow. But then the pills stopped working. I was given injections but they gave my a stinging rash. Therapy was a joke.

So after about 5 years (Covid got in the way), I was given the final option - an implant.

I had actually read about a guy in my country who had had one and it had changed his life. I started fantasising. Could I turn into a sexual tyrannosaur? Would it change my life?

I started reading more about them but realised it's a large rabbit hole to fall down - promises, pitfalls and lost hours finding the final forum post that would give the answer. It turns out there is no answer. Only suggestions, hunches, some expertise and a lot of luck.

So I finally met with a consultant surgeon who explained about implants, how they are end-stage (no going back because they take out the erectile tissue). I went away and thought about it. I played with the pump device. I asked my wife. She, predictably, said, 'If it will make you happier then yes.'

More meetings, more months of over-thinking, worrying and a useless dick that didn't stay up. So I finally said yes. I played more with the device, the surgery was explained thoroughly and I took probably the biggest plunge of my life. I could have said no. I could have continued the desultory, derisory 'performance' and feeling awful every time. But I chose to gamble. I am shooting for the moon. I feel a bit brave. I could be doing something really stupid. But I'm not getting younger. Do I want to get to 70 and say, 'I wish I'd tried that.'? No. So here goes.

[LetoMan]

Welcome, brother! Congrats on taking the first steps.

Here, your story is something we all understand. I’m a lot like you, life-long ED, a huge gap in my otherwise confident persona. I was also married with kids, though am now divorced and got the implant simultaneous to splitting up.

Getting an implant will likely be an emotional journey for you. It certainly has been for me. I’m coming up on two years since I decided to go for it, and in many ways I am vastly changed.

But nonetheless I still look into the vast abyss of human alienation and suffering, of aging and regret, and the inexorable march towards my demise. Only now I do it with a hard dick.

Haha. Here’s hoping everything goes smoothly for you, and you are putting your new equipment to use soon.

Be well, Leto

[GoodWood]

Welcome to FrankTalk! I hope you find the support, answers, and community here you need. I certainly have. I wouldn’t have found the solution that works for me without it.

Thanks for such a detail introduction. I’m sure lots of other guy identify both the details and the feelings behind them.

We are all here for you.

[SWorks17]

Welcome to the brotherhood Siltmonkey!

I'm glad that you've taken the hard steps to get your ED fixed. I didn't have the same ED experience you've had all your life, but ED will really get you down when it comes on.

My ED started slowly in my late 50's and I used pills that worked pretty good but the late 50's, I'd have to watch what I ate or it would cancel any type of erection using the pills. It was so frustrating trying to time taking a pill and wondering if my wife would be in the mood for sex. Then in my early 60's I had the Boston Scientific rezum procedure done for my enlarged prostrate and it wiped out any erections, nothing would work. I guess the procedure damaged some nerves down there. I had already been talking to my military urologist about a permanent fix with the penile implant, so I pulled the trigger at 63. I skipped the injections because I didn't want to stick my dick.
It's been 4 years now with my bionic dick and even though it was a journey at the beginning after surgery, the last three and a half years have been great.

I'm rooting for you Siltmonkey!

It's gonna be awesome when you can give your wife your hard dick that will last and last and last, satisfying you and your wife.

We're here for you Siltmonkey,
Your Bionic Brother in Texas
SWorks