ED will kill me. Soon.

[defiant]

Hi everyone,

This could be long but I guess, even if no one replies, at least it's a way for me to vent and let it all out.

I am 32 years old. 32. And I have ED. And I truly believe this will be the end of me. If this continues to get worse and robs me of all the things I believe it is going to rob me of, then I will seriously consider unspeakable things.

This may be a familiar story to some but please bear with me. When I was 21, I was at university, had a night out, met a girl, came home, couldn't keep it up. She didn't respond too well to that. It really ****ed me up. From then on, I was an 'observer' of my own performance, always monitoring my penis' ability to stay hard.

As time passed, I began to fret more and more about my ability to maintain an erection and with this, my EQ (erection quality) waned. It got progressively worse. But still, I lived on, not really paying too much attention to it. Not compared to now anyway. I had girlfriends here and there and could perform fine. But still, I was always keeping one eye on the 'performance' factor.

In 2010, I became sick, very sick. And I was diagnosed with lymphoma. I had a brain tumour. I had to undergo a year's worth of treatment. High dose chemo, even a stem cell transplant. Thankfully, I was saved. By the grace of God and modern medicine. I had a partner at the time and she stuck with me, bless her. Even at this time, I could perform, unaided.

When the treatment was complete they asked me if anything else was bothering me. I said yes, actually, my penis has a hard time staying erect. And so they referred me to the urology team. There they did the colour Doppler ultrasound. It was a cold environment, so medical. I was told to lie down, I was injected and told to wait to become erect. Well, I produced a meagre reaction. And a positive EDV was noted. I was diagnosed with a 'mild' venous leak without any hint of being told how or why or what might be causing it. It was such a horrible environment. Ironically, I remember leaving the department and later having an erection that wouldn't quit!

I was told to start Cialis 5mg daily. But I stayed off it wanting to be a hero. One day while with my girlfriend of the time however, I wanted to be assured of performance. Obviously, it worked amazingly. And thus, I was hooked.

Eventually we broke up and this brought with it all the stress of being a man with a mild form of ED hunting for a new girlfriend in the relationship market place. When my first encounter came along, I just HAD to use Cialis to be assured a positive performance. It worked great. Now, I was hooked.

Fast forward to 2013, I wanted to put this issue to be and try to get off the drugs. Not knowing why I had this 'venous leak' I sought out a specialist team in London - St Peter's Andrology. I said my piece and they ran the same ultrasound test. This time it was performed differently. I was told to massage the injected agent in and every time he stepped out, I was allowed to fondle myself for maximum stimulation. Lo and behold! I was told my PSV was huge and my outflow was negative. I was told I had no venous leakage and a mind that won't quit. Plan: Carry on with Cialis, find an understanding partner and hopefully it will go away or if not seak psychosexual counselling.

I did neither.

I carried on with my 'as and when' lifestyle of different women, using Cialis all the time. But in recent times, just over a year ago in fact, I have met the woman I want to settle with.

For a year the sex has been amazing. Cialis has been serving me well 98% of the time. But lately, in the heat of the moment, I didn't take the pills. And I failed. The erection was so soft. I was gutted.

I opened up to her about everything and she is being so so so so supportive even going to far as to say things like 'well if it gets that bad we'll just use toys and vibrators' but I know that she is a young woman. She will tire of a man with ED and eventually want a real man who can **** her wherever, whenever. I had to refuse sex in the shower last night because I know I can't keep it up while standing. FML.

A month ago, I saw another specialist male sexual consultant at London Andrology. For a third and what I hoped was final diagnosis. Same test, similar result to St Peters. No venous leakage, no veno-occlusive disorder. This despit my erectile fading so quickly during the test. I don't understand that bloody ultrasound test at all! Anyway, I was told, again; my penis is in perfect working order.

But here is my main problem people. I KNOW it isn't. But I don't know WHY. I am in no man's land, stuck between specialist doctors telling me my penis is fine and me knowing it isn't and being unable to believe them.

- I get morning wood about 3-5% of the time. 3-5%!! - The mere thought of my penis standing to attention whilst stood up is a dream.
- I always have pain, or rather a dull ache in my penis after ejaculation.

These facts scream PHYSICAL cause. And we all know about 80% of cases have a phsyical cause. Now I can believe that my mental block is now huge enough to warrant these things but I just can't believe it is solely responsible.

Now since the other night when I failed, I am even so so anxious on the Cialis and yes, that has an effect. Now I lose my stiffness a lot quicker, even with the drug. To me, this was my last line of defence. I've always said just popping a pill is okay because many people have to take a daily pill.

But now I can't even be assured of that and it's affecting my mood and behaviour. I feel at a loss. I feel like this is the end. Like I'm going to have to face up to some very very very hard decisions. If I could truly rule out every possible physical cause then I would begin the psychosexual counselling. I am perfectly willing to do so. But it is so hard to rule out everything.

I have had 3 ultrasounds now. 2 saying I'm fine and have no VL. I had bloods 3 years ago. Is this enough. I don't think so.

- I have a lump under the skin of my shaft which is very small but still, lump.
- I have had a thrush like coating on my tongue for as long as I can remember. But obviously nothing that the doctors deem to be worrying.

Tomorrow I will visit my family doctor and tell him everything and try to establish overall phsyical health.

I just feel like this vicious cycle is falling deeper and deeper into the black hole of ED hell. I really don't know what to do.

If I lose my girlfriend, I will kill myself. What use will I be. How will I ever find fulfilling love? I can already feel the impact of my news seeping into her mind. If she doesn't leave me for this, she will likely leave me due to my depressive way of looking at this and life in general.

I'm so sorry this was so long. But that's where I'm at right now. I'm lost. Utterly, totally lost. I really feel like erectile dysfunction, will kill me.

[dg_moore]

Injections work great for many men - have you considered trying? Also, there's always the implant - guaranteed to work for as long as you want whenever you want. You are nowhere near the end of the road - be persistent and try new solutions. Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous 3]

Ditto what dg said. All of us have been down that road and as dg said, you are far from the end. I ended up with an implant; erection on demand and it lasts as long as anyones wants or can stand.

About pills. I can understand that you might want to achieve an erection without any aids, BUT then you have to decide what you want more. A satisfying sex life with someone you want to be with, or give that up and be pill free. In the end, it doesn't really matter what the cause of your ED is, venous leak, psychological, narrowed arteries, the result is the same and there is a remedy that will work no matter what the cause.

You are taking Cialis 5mg daily. That did nothing for me. Actually none of pills did much. Have you talked to any of the docs about "as needed" dosage for any of the available ED drugs? For example 10 or 20mg Cialis before sex and so on? You have had great success so far with the medication and it definitely worth a go. And there are several other newer drugs with varying dosages to try. Try doing that before moving to injections. There are many injection options as well if the pills don't work for you. Do not give up; there are more remedies than ever before!!

Good luck with it and let us know what is happening with you.

[David_R]

I agree with the two guys' comments above. Would I like to have normal erections without any help? Yes. Is this going to happen? No. Am I happy with my choice so my penis is hard and I can have intercourse (and orgasms)? Oh yeah! (And so is my wife!). Please do not give up, brother. There are so many options out there to fix E.D. problems.

[defiant]

I just can't come to grips with this.

I can't even work out why this is happening. There was no injury. I have had countless blood tests. I have had two ultrasound tests to say my penis is in good working order.

Yet here I am. If someone could just say, yes you have XYZ, definitively, that would almost be better because then I could focus my efforts on battling it.

But I'm stuck in a limbo of not believing it's all in the head when doctors are telling me it is.

You know your own body right??

Thanks for your words, guys.

[dg_moore]

I just can't come to grips with this.

I can't even work out why this is happening. There was no injury. I have had countless blood tests. I have had two ultrasound tests to say my penis is in good working order.

Yet here I am. If someone could just say, yes you have XYZ, definitively, that would almost be better because then I could focus my efforts on battling it.

But I'm stuck in a limbo of not believing it's all in the head when doctors are telling me it is.

You know your own body right??

Thanks for your words, guys.

Once you rule out any medical/physical problems, it is time to concentrate on the treatment and not the cause. You could chase a new diagnosis for years without getting an answer - my advice is to put that energy into finding a solution that works for you, whether through medication or surgery. In the end, when you find a solution, it doesn't really matter what the cause is.

[jonbaldbg]

Sometimes there is no "why". There is only a "what can I do about it?"

I've had ED for a long time, not as severe a problem as you have, but still ED is devastating to all men. I remember how well Viagra worked when I first took it. Then on to Cialis (not the daily which didn't do me any good). I took 20mg pills of Cialis and that worked for several years. Then that stopped working, so my Euro put me on injections of Trimix. The first time I used it was like being a young man again and I was thrilled. But within two years it stopped being effective and I developed Peyronie's. I talked to the Euro and he said the next step was a penile implant. I really didn't consider it too seriously for a while, but finally, the soft penis got the best of me and I started investigating options. I found that one of the 3 top Penile implant surgeons in the nation was "in network" for my insurance. After reading much on this board, I decided to schedule the appointment. I get the surgery on Oct. 12. Am I nervous? Yes, but I am going to have faith in the others who rave about this doctor and I know I have no other option other than to stay impotent. I am not willing to do that at the age of 61. My wife would stay with me and still love me even if I couldn't get hard, but I am not willing to put up with that when there is a valid option out there.

I hope you keep trying, keep your chin up and find your way. You can make it.

[defiant]

Sometimes there is no "why". There is only a "what can I do about it?"

I've had ED for a long time, not as severe a problem as you have, but still ED is devastating to all men. I remember how well Viagra worked when I first took it. Then on to Cialis (not the daily which didn't do me any good). I took 20mg pills of Cialis and that worked for several years. Then that stopped working, so my Euro put me on injections of Trimix. The first time I used it was like being a young man again and I was thrilled. But within two years it stopped being effective and I developed Peyronie's. I talked to the Euro and he said the next step was a penile implant. I really didn't consider it too seriously for a while, but finally, the soft penis got the best of me and I started investigating options. I found that one of the 3 top Penile implant surgeons in the nation was "in network" for my insurance. After reading much on this board, I decided to schedule the appointment. I get the surgery on Oct. 12. Am I nervous? Yes, but I am going to have faith in the others who rave about this doctor and I know I have no other option other than to stay impotent. I am not willing to do that at the age of 61. My wife would stay with me and still love me even if I couldn't get hard, but I am not willing to put up with that when there is a valid option out there.

I hope you keep trying, keep your chin up and find your way. You can make it.

Good luck with your surgery!

May I ask how your ED all started?

[jonbaldbg]

Sometimes there is no "why". There is only a "what can I do about it?"

I've had ED for a long time, not as severe a problem as you have, but still ED is devastating to all men. I remember how well Viagra worked when I first took it. Then on to Cialis (not the daily which didn't do me any good). I took 20mg pills of Cialis and that worked for several years. Then that stopped working, so my Euro put me on injections of Trimix. The first time I used it was like being a young man again and I was thrilled. But within two years it stopped being effective and I developed Peyronie's. I talked to the Euro and he said the next step was a penile implant. I really didn't consider it too seriously for a while, but finally, the soft penis got the best of me and I started investigating options. I found that one of the 3 top Penile implant surgeons in the nation was "in network" for my insurance. After reading much on this board, I decided to schedule the appointment. I get the surgery on Oct. 12. Am I nervous? Yes, but I am going to have faith in the others who rave about this doctor and I know I have no other option other than to stay impotent. I am not willing to do that at the age of 61. My wife would stay with me and still love me even if I couldn't get hard, but I am not willing to put up with that when there is a valid option out there.

I hope you keep trying, keep your chin up and find your way. You can make it.

Good luck with your surgery!

May I ask how your ED all started?

Well, my first experience with ED was induced by antidepressant medications which are notorious for causing the problem. It seemed that if any of the drugs I tried even mentioned ED as a side effect, it would hit me hard. I read where Yohimbine HCL could be used to treat that so I started taking that (pre-Viagra). I took Yohimbine as a prescription for a long time until it stopped becoming available through the pharmacy. It is now available herbally and I still take one small dose before sex, but I don't take it full strength all day. It raises your blood pressure significantly and makes you very anxious too.

My ED didn't improve through the years and in 1998 my doctor recommended Viagra which worked. I also used Cialis. For years that worked for me in combination with a little Yohimbine HCL. But as I got older and had to start taking blood pressure medication, the ED got worse. According to my Urologist, the combination of the high blood pressure and the high blood pressure meds really take its toll on you. He said that with my condition, even increasing my exercise and blood flow wouldn't suffice.

So, I've had this problem a long time and it has gradually gotten harder to treat, but especially after turning 60 it has been really difficult. I think for some reason I was predisposed to ED, but I can also blame lifestyle because for much of my life I carried too much weight and smoked so that probably had a long-term effect on me too.

[Anonymous2]

Hi Defiant Everything to do with your problem you have written about, and like I said a couple of weeks ago its performance anxiety, and its really got to you, you need two things one is like I said get into meditation just before going with a women, so you clear your head.

Your other thing is you really do need to see the trick cyclist if your up on your cockney rhyming slang get your head sorted out, every time you want to have sex, what ever this women said to you has be eating away your brain to the point your keeping a tab on your erections or lack of and thinking how am I doing and that means you not paying attention to the women your with, so a trick cyclist will be able to help here.

So its either off to a trick cyclist and shout out help me please, or the other thing is find a women who will help you over your problem, one who is prepared to sit with you and understand your problems and help sort you out sexually, if you have a women who knows what your problems are, then you can work these out in bed, if things go wrong it would not matter, you just go back to square one and restart but if you can find a lady trick cyclist? it would be heaven for you.

So for now get over to http://www.pegym.com get on so jelqing and stretching exercises, and the thing that will help you is a simple little exercise called edging, now you can either od it this way or if you go to www.dodsonandross.com ok left hand side your looking for erections ED and lasting longer, Dr Betty has a great way of helping you last longer, please read and see, to do it her way you do really need a women.

So some ideas, hope something helps you.

NOWHARD