I've been reading this forum on and off for a while now, and I think it's time for me to join so I can talk things through with others who have been through similar circumstances. For an intro, I'm a 39 year old bi man, happily married to my wonderful husband, generally successful in life, living in California. In general, I'm in great shape, eat right, exercise and lift regularly. However, I've had lifelong moderate-to-severe ED...That is, there has never been a time in my life where my penis worked like those of my peers. As a bi (and leaning more toward gay) guy, I have had the opportunity to see, feel, and play with a lot of dicks in my life, so I realized pretty early on that something was wrong.
In my early 20s, when I started being sexually active, I was devastated when I could not have sex normally. I managed to scrape together enough money for one of those fly-by-night grey market call-in pharmacies, and got viagra. It was a bit of an improvement, but still not enough for penetration. I'd say on a scale from 1-10, where 7 is about the erection needed for penetrative sex, I would go from my usual 2-5 to 5-7. Even though I'd reach an erection capable of penetration, however, it would stay in that state for no more than 30 seconds to a minute. Over the years since, I've tried the following:
- Cialis, Levitra, Viagra (gets me closer to erection, have had successful penetrative sex a handful of times in 2 decades)
- A year of psychological therapy with a licensed sex therapist (AASECT, good folks, helped me "cope", but no erectile improvement)
- Trimix (does very little for me except ache terribly, produces slight erection, maybe a 5/10)
- A year of TRT since I was "lowish". (really horny, feel great, no help to erections)
- Abstaining from porn/masturbation for 90 days (just made lack of ability more frustrating)
- Muse, the worst thing ever (I have a small urethra, just placing the tablet had me in horrible pain, no effect)
- All sorts of kink play, porn, positions, whatever I could find, just in case I was just barking up the wrong tree or confused about my sexuality (if I found that thing, I wouldn't be here)
So here I am, and I'm looking at the course that WILL fix my ED, which would be an implant, and trying to understand and think through the choice. On one hand, I have a good sex life. While I'm mentally a switch (both giving and recieving penetration is enjoyable to me), physically, I have had to play the role of bottom 90% of the time. I have amazing orgasms from this, and a very understanding husband. I enjoy the headspace too. But I want to top as well. I crave it mentally. I want to do for my husband what he does for me. The 5% time I can actually manage that, it is a lot of effort. Between that effort, the high chance of failure, and the horrific headaches I get from the amount of PDE5 inhibs I need to get there...I barely even try any more.
So it's a tricky situation for me. I have masturbation, being the receptive partner in gay sex, a loving husband, strong orgasms, and a good life in general. Surgery involves pain, risk, expense, and no guarantees. At my fairly young age, it is almost certain I will need surgical intervention in the future to repair or replace the device. Once it is implanted, there is no turning back.
I am thoroughly on the fence. I hope I can use the experience and thoughts of the people here to help me get through this. I also hope my experiences can help others who are similar to me, men who have never had a fully functional penis. At the very least, I've found a few people like that on this board and just knowing I'm not alone is so much solace.
Thanks in advance for your assistance and compassion!