touble getting wife on board

There is more to sex than an erect penis. How do you maintain your sexuality both for yourself and for your partner? What techniques do you use to give both of you a great, satisfying sex life? How do you explore your own body and sexuality now that the rules have changed?

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dg_moore
Posts: 1260
Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2011 9:34 am

Re: touble getting wife on board

Postby dg_moore » Sun Feb 10, 2019 7:56 pm

Like my signature says,

Life is not the way it's supposed to be, it's the way it is.

There are some things you can't change, no matter how much you shake your fist at the sky. You learn to live with them or else just go bonkers.
Dave, 75, Maryland - Implant (Titan) 2008 by Dr. Andrew Kramer - never used due to a stroke that, among other things, ended my sex life.
Life is not the way it's supposed to be, it's the way it is.

justanotherdrumber
Posts: 237
Joined: Sun Mar 25, 2018 11:29 pm
Location: Erie, PA

Re: touble getting wife on board

Postby justanotherdrumber » Tue Feb 12, 2019 5:43 pm

QuestionGuy wrote:
Why would you want to have sex with somebody who doesn't want to have sex with you (or presumably with anybody else)? I have always believed sex to be a mutual activity.


so the default is :one person "decides for you" that your sex life is over? Obviously sex is a biological function and its also a component of a romantic relationship. the ideal scenario is two people who are madly in love and cant keep their hands off of one and other, but where that does not exist there must be a compromise.... or one person has to lose. From what I have observed and experienced: both lose (eventually) .... and if there is a family involved, the kids get to lose too. In my opinion, the only way a middle aged married man with a family ever could compete with a young ambitious man in the work place, was that the married guy had access to regular sex from his stay-at-home-wife and the single guy had to go devote some portion of time to procuring female companionship (dates, parties, activities, bars not to mention drinking on the weekends to get up the courage to hit on women, etc...) a single young man is in a position to work back to back 20 hour days to get ahead (if he is so inclined) a family man cant compete with that. .....but eventually the single guy has to throw "some cycles" at his social life. When the wife puts her husband in the position of now stepping out (and throwing those same cycles at procuring women) who wins?

....this is just my bias. I was in a sexless marriage, so I empathize with some of these posts, but disagree with some of the "wisdom" which I see in the rationalization of the "withholding of sex". When my kids were little: i sucked it up and went many years without sex. In another chapter, when I was working 2 jobs to get us into our dream-house: she had obligatory sex with me...(and honestly : "it wasn't half bad"). In yet another chapter, (after we got into dream-house) she cut the sex off again : and I had girlfriends and a sexlife outside the marriage (that stole cycles from both my career and my family) . Now the kids are grown and were getting divorced....and she like many other women in these scenarios does not yet realize where she has landed herself. Woman in a bygone era, understood that a middle aged women was not "holding a very big stick" and it might be best to try to keep the husband around. . today they all still think their in their 20's and that the world is waiting, to once again, "roll out the red carpet" for them. I don't think my wife (or these other women in these stories here) gets it. A 50 - 60 year old women, is "not the prize". Their options are few and far in-between.

Yeah, N0T .. "everyone" gets it ...
... ,however; "some" D0 !

It's not that they think that they're still in their 20's and they're still the prize.

They're well aware of their age. 20-30 years ago the mortgage was fresh, payments were due, the kids were growing (and headed provided for). Today, house is paid off, kids are grown, possibly even graduated from college.

The "prize" N0W is harvesting 1/2 a Pension & Social Security benefits to provide for the balance of their lives.

They're through putting up with your sh#t and using every excuse in the book not to fuck you anymore !

SEX and companionship aren't the same priority that they were in youth.

More and more women are actually cohabiting with another female these days to help make ends meet, rather than "submit" to a Male sexually. They can always make a quick connection with some guy IF/when they ever feel a need for some cock , "on their terms".
Erie,PA
Age 64 - g/f 34
Implanted ams700 lgx, 18cm+1cm RTE
March 2018

Lost Sheep
Posts: 1634
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2016 11:16 pm

Re: touble getting wife on board

Postby Lost Sheep » Fri Feb 15, 2019 4:49 pm

Throughout the Judeo-Christian diaspora, girls have been indoctrinated to resist the (never-ending) efforts of boys to have sex with them. That attitude may be so ingrained that it may be hard for a grown woman to free herself.

Some women depart from that stricture on their own. Blessed is the man in the company of such a woman. Most women only lose that inhibition with a man who has eased his way into her "inner circle" of trust and intimacy. Twice blessed is that man, for while she gives him her all, she will not easily give it up to anyone else but him.

Many men whose posts I have read on this thread seem to have found themselves in the company of a woman in another category and must ease through her barrier gates for every intimate encounter each time anew. But, I say to you, that it is possible. You must know her and woo her, but it is possible. Whether it is worth it or not is for each you to decide.

How to do it is also something for you to search your soul to decide. I do it with kindness and respect. I find the cooperation she responds with is well worth my efforts (and I feel better about myself than if I did it with any other approach). I find, a woman's active enthusiasm for sex with me is a lot more exciting than that woman's mere tolerance towards sex with me.

I trust this post does not come across as judgmental. It is just what I have found that works best for me in all the dimensions of my relationships with my sexual partners.

Having successfully avoided the institution of marriage for over 50 years, I now consider myself qualified to give advice to anyone on the subject. :roll:
Lost Sheep
Born 1948 AMS LGX 18+3 implant Nov 6, 2017 by Dr Tavis Shaw. Spent 14 months researching in effort to optimize outcome. After 30 yrs of progressive unrecognized ED I will do this RIGHT; no second chance with one's first.
Anchorage AK, USA

3rd-Nut
Posts: 99
Joined: Fri Feb 07, 2014 5:05 pm

Re: touble getting wife on board

Postby 3rd-Nut » Sat Feb 16, 2019 12:50 am

Lost Sheep wrote:Throughout the Judeo-Christian diaspora, girls have been indoctrinated to resist the (never-ending) efforts of boys to have sex with them. That attitude may be so ingrained that it may be hard for a grown woman to free herself.

Some women depart from that stricture on their own. Blessed is the man in the company of such a woman. Most women only lose that inhibition with a man who has eased his way into her "inner circle" of trust and intimacy. Twice blessed is that man, for while she gives him her all, she will not easily give it up to anyone else but him.

Many men whose posts I have read on this thread seem to have found themselves in the company of a woman in another category and must ease through her barrier gates for every intimate encounter each time anew. But, I say to you, that it is possible. You must know her and woo her, but it is possible. Whether it is worth it or not is for each you to decide.

How to do it is also something for you to search your soul to decide. I do it with kindness and respect. I find the cooperation she responds with is well worth my efforts (and I feel better about myself than if I did it with any other approach). I find, a woman's active enthusiasm for sex with me is a lot more exciting than that woman's mere tolerance towards sex with me.

I trust this post does not come across as judgmental. It is just what I have found that works best for me in all the dimensions of my relationships with my sexual partners.

Having successfully avoided the institution of marriage for over 50 years, I now consider myself qualified to give advice to anyone on the subject. :roll:


Lost,
I have been trying to get into My wife's "Inner circle" for over 40 years. I would have to agree with what you say. She says that her mother's only sex conversation with her was " Eeeew...sex is messy!" With no prostate or ejaculate it is not messy anymore.
So my big question is how do you get in to a woman's inner sanctum?
PC 2006, AMS 700 LGX implanted 18+3 2012, Dr. Paolone in Madison, WI- Married 43 yrs.

Lost Sheep
Posts: 1634
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2016 11:16 pm

Re: touble getting wife on board

Postby Lost Sheep » Mon Feb 18, 2019 1:28 pm

3rd-Nut wrote:Lost,
I have been trying to get into My wife's "Inner circle" for over 40 years. I would have to agree with what you say. She says that her mother's only sex conversation with her was " Eeeew...sex is messy!" With no prostate or ejaculate it is not messy anymore.
So my big question is how do you get in to a woman's inner sanctum?

I have heard (in print and from women of my acquaintance) that one place to begin foreplay is by the man doing the dishes after dinner and allowing the woman (presumably who cooked) to relax, unwind and develop appreciation for her man who is so considerate. (A relaxed woman is a seduceable woman and a woman tired after a day of housekeeping is not.)

Then there is this thread in the Sexuality 2.0 subform:
viewtopic.php?f=12&t=10909&p=100192
wherein Reggieman gives this advice.
Reggieman wrote:I believe some women are just not into sex. They engage when the relationship is new but then fade out as the newness wears off. It may be that their testosterone is lower than average, cultural restrictions, mama's advice as to what is a "bad" girl or dissatisfaction in the relationship. Many men will fuck no matter what mood they are in but many women, if not all, have to be in that very narrow "zone" mentally or it's a no go.In my hundreds of conversations with my wife about sex I have come to believe her concept of sex is totally different than what it is to most men.

There is an Australian lady sex therapist whose videos I've watch who describes two types of women. The first are "saucy ripe tomatoes" who are up for sex and need little coaxing. They others are referred to as "damp wood" who require lots of persuasion, warming up, etc.to get their fire started. The latter require a lot of work to get in bed. Often they can't seem to get self started, never think about sex on their own and may or may not enjoy sex once in bed. Many if not most enjoy sex once they are warmed up.

My wife is not a self-starter but once in bed and foreplay begins she will finish with terrific orgasms. Once the orgasm is over it's like sex never happened and her mind is back to other things. She can go for months without sex and when asked cannot recall how long since the last time she had sex. "Two weeks, three weeks, oh it can't have been two months, really?"

The latter remind of a story told by a Hub Zemke a fighter pilot/ace in WWII. He was assigned the task of overseeing the transfer of P-40 fighters to Northern Russia. He guided the Russian troops in assembling the boxed planes. It was cold and they had no heaters to keep the engine oil warm so the planes could be started. So, hours before each flight the ground crew would build fires on the ground under the plane's engine to warm the oil. In the sub-zero weather it took some time but finally the engine could be started.

Some women just don't come with pre-heaters.


Lay your groundwork before you even THINK about laying her.

Women respond to a lot of vastly varying stimuli. I have no idea what your relationship is like, what you have tried in the past and what "triggers" might bring up resistance, compliance or desire in your wife. It is up to you to find what will get into your wife's head BEFORE she thinks about sex that would prepare her mind to be receptive you your advances on her body. Onlyl after her mind is receptive will her body be receptive.

I may be preaching to the choir here (but I do not know anything about your particular relationship's history). So, please forgive me if I am stating the obvious.

As a general rule for most women, one must seduce her anew each time one desires her response. Show her you appreciate her totality including her sexuality (without seeming as if your only interest is her sexuality). For example, If she feels that every time you touch her tenderly, it is a prelude to an attempt at sex, she is likely to recoil at that first touch. A recipe for disaster. But (for example) if you rub her shoulders and then do not ask for further intimacy, she will wonder where your desire went. And perhaps try to kindle it. If not out of her desire, out of curiosity. Re-training her reactions is not difficult, but requires diligence, patience and attention to what is going on in her head (both her cranium AND her maidenhead).

I have also developed a rule for myself which I recommend to any man; "Ladies first" when it comes to orgasm. Or, at the very least, enough foreplay that her loins ache to be entered. Entering her before that moment of ache is telling her that you regard YOUR desire to be more important to you than HER desire. Selfish is not a turn-on.

Again, forgive me if I state what you already know.
Lost Sheep
Born 1948 AMS LGX 18+3 implant Nov 6, 2017 by Dr Tavis Shaw. Spent 14 months researching in effort to optimize outcome. After 30 yrs of progressive unrecognized ED I will do this RIGHT; no second chance with one's first.
Anchorage AK, USA


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