Practical vs. Introspective

What are your fears? Ideas? Hints? to coping with ED. What helps you with your mental game? How are relationships affected?
otter17
Posts: 18
Joined: Sun Aug 11, 2013 8:16 pm

Practical vs. Introspective

Postby otter17 » Fri Aug 21, 2020 5:00 pm

This is a thousand times easier to say than do, but one thing I need to realize is that I have nothing to blame myself for when it comes to ED. None of us do. I have venous leak that started to manifest itself as a teenager, and has slowly progressed over the last 20 years. Over the years, and especially around sexual failures, I have sometimes beat myself up, wondering what I did wrong that led to impotence, and thought less of myself as a man and a human being. Rationally of course I know those thoughts aren't helpful, but they can be so hard to avoid.

This site has been very helpful in making me feel less alone. And helping me realize that I didn't do anything wrong. There are other young, healthy men, who are good people, and who are dealing with the same issues with me. It's genetics, fate, whatever, but having ED is out of our control.

There are ways to try and take control back, but I've come to realize that thinking about my ED is not one of them. It will often start innocently enough. "I'm just going to see if there is new research into venous leak," or "let me look at some old pictures of my dick (thanks Photo Vault!) and see if it's changed over the years." But this "research" never ends well for me. My brain, obsessively trying to solve a problem that there are no good answers for, goes into a tailspin. I end up feeling more dejected, and feeling like my chances for sexual intimacy and personal self-satisfaction will only decline.

But I do not always feel like that, and I have had sexual intimacy and satisfaction in my life over the years. The times when I am happiest are when I'm moving on with my life. My introspection never makes me happy, but finding a solution and moving on does. And thank god for us, solutions do exist for our problem. I know that, no matter what, sex is important to me and I will find a way to keep having it. For the past 10 years, PDE5s have helped me have some very good and sexual relationships. Their effectiveness may be fading, but if needed, I will go to the next step and move on. If I need to inject my penis, so be it. If I need and implant to have sex, I will take that step. And carry on with my life.

There's a user here, LostSheep I think, who wrote that women are very accepting of issues as long as they feel valued. That's true. My wife, my family, my friends, don't value me for the quality of my erections. For my ED, I just need to continue to take the simplest solution that works and move on with my life as a good, contributing, and sexual person.

This is kind of like a public journal entry, but I just needed to get it off my chest.

otter17
Posts: 18
Joined: Sun Aug 11, 2013 8:16 pm

Re: Practical vs. Introspective

Postby otter17 » Fri Aug 21, 2020 5:08 pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36m1o-tM05g

This Ted Talk of Sam Berns, a teen with progeria, is very inspirational to me. This guy had a condition far more disabling than anything I have to deal with. But he just dealt with obstacles as best he can, didn't look back, and lived a happy fruitful life.

dg_moore
Posts: 1611
Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2011 9:34 am

Re: Practical vs. Introspective

Postby dg_moore » Fri Aug 21, 2020 5:16 pm

Some of us are unable to move forward as a sexual person when maladies strike. My sex life ended years ago due to a stroke, and with no other choice, I just had to accept things as they are. Ir's been ok, if not joyful. Life marches on until it doesn't.
Dave, 78, Maryland - Implant (Titan) 2008 by Dr. Andrew Kramer (failed Sept 2020) - never used due to a stroke that, among other things, ended my sex life.
Life is not the way it's supposed to be, it's the way it is.

Lost Sheep
Posts: 4449
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2016 11:16 pm

Re: Practical vs. Introspective

Postby Lost Sheep » Fri Aug 21, 2020 8:43 pm

otter17 wrote:There's a user here, LostSheep I think, who wrote that women are very accepting of issues as long as they feel valued. .


Thanks for the recognition, otter17.

My journey physically resembles yours. My erections in my 20s would leak out unless energetically re-invigorated by massive stimulation - such stimulation would inevitably result in a swift climax and refractory period. This went on in a slow decline for over 3 decades until, in my 60s I began to address the problem. It was a problem because I (now, in retrospect, realize) lost relationships that might have blossomed into something substantial.

Actually, in my 40s and 50s I did take steps to address the problem by accepting that my lovers could take responsibility of their own orgasms (with my participation) which led to me learning cunnilingus and to pay more attention to their orgasms than my own. Telling them was not comfortable. But I did find some women were accepting and appreciative of my candor. But that's another story.

In my late 50s and 60s I accepted the need for medical assistance and began the real work. Research, and taking the embarrassment of announcing to the world I could not perform sexually. Actually, just my Doctor, but it was like announcing/acknowledging, as telling a person other than a woman with whom I was intimate was a step WELL outside my comfort zone.

Yes, there is nothing quite so liberating and strengthening as putting a name to a problem, defining it and searching for (and finding) a way to deal with it. Whether it is a coping mechanism, acquiescence or overcoming. Once you start down that path, it feels so empowering. When I knew I could satisfy a woman with my hands, toys or tongue, I felt a lot less unmanly. Now, with an implant, I feel as manly as I ever did as a youth. Even more so, because I have experienced the range from potent, to impotent and back to potency (albeit prosthetically assisted) again.

But yes, my girlfriend would still keep me even if my implant failed, for I have persevereance and caring not only for her orgasms but also for her person.
Lost Sheep
AMS LGX 18+3 Nov 6, 2017 Dr Shaw.
READ OLD THREADS to ask better questions and better understand answers.
Make yourself part of your medical team.
Document your current penile size: photos and written records.
Pre-op V.E.D. therapy helps.


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