Trying to get through...
Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 10:02 pm
I guess it still stuns me sometimes how far I've fallen in 2-3 short years. In May of 2015, I had it all, comparatively. Then came that first night of ED, followed by diagnosis of castrate-level testosterone, followed by a heart murmur that turned out to be calcific degenerative aortic valve stenosis, followed by a CT scan revealing coronary calcium deposits equivalent to a 75 year old man's heart (I was 42 at the time), followed by revelation of an Lp(a) level of 390 where 30 or less is the norm, caused by having two copies of a defective gene that raises Lp(a) and the odds of premature heart disease, calcific degenerative aortic valve stenosis, and ED. Oh, and now apparently I'm pre diabetic, with fasting blood glucose that rose ten points even as I lost over 50 pounds.
I have recovered a lot of sexual functionality, with the help of Clomid to raise T, supplements, weight loss, and low dose daily Cialis. But I know I am not where I was even three years ago and I know I will just keep getting worse until I ultimately need a prosthetic implant. Right now it is mostly just a loss of responsiveness and rigidity (spontaneous erections are a thing of the past, and I generally need manual or oral stimulation to get hard, and at my hardest I am almost always a little "bendy" and seem to feel less sensation than I used to). More subtly, sex has become a thing that is inextricably linked to anxiety and depression, instead of just being fun like it used to be. Even when nothing really goes wrong it often feels like it did, as I was so worried about not being fully rigid or feeling shorter than I used to that I didn't really get to enjoy the sex. Or worse, I will somewhat resent my wife for trying for sex at a moment when we knew there were likely to be interruptions (we have four kids), and an inevitable interruption occurred that cost me my erection and set me into an emotional tailspin. I have become a guy who sometimes is upset with his wife for wanting sex, and I hate that about myself. Especially since I basically left my ex wife years ago because she had too many sexual hang ups and resented ME for wanting it too much.
Part of me wants to just fast forward through these bullshit years and go straight to the implant. But I also worry about dying young and all the stuff I do to keep my heart beating is also stuff that is likely to prolong this period of so-so "OK" mediocre and unreliable erections.
Tonight my wife wanted sex while we were cooking dinner, which meant sneaking upstairs while food was cooking, while two kids were watching TV and two others were due to come home soon. So she coaxed me hardish in her mouth and of course the doorbell rings -- youngest kid gets dropped off -- an interruption. She lingers downstairs a bit to chat with the woman who was watching our youngest. Then she comes up and I ask if she turned the heat off the fish -- she had not. So I'm imagining the fish burning and can't relax, so I go down to turn it off and then come up back to square one or worse, knowing there will be another knock on the door any minute, not in the mood but feeling too guilty to keep from trying (because I don't want to be the guy who denies his wife or is, frankly, crippled and unable to have sex because someone knocks on the door).
And we had sex, and she came more than once, and so did I (once). But I felt too small, and too floppy, and constantly fretted about losing what hardness I had. Not that vigorous firmness from when I was younger, the kind of erection that would kick the door in and swagger into the house whether I wanted it there or not (as opposed to the doddering old man erection that needs to be guided in and helped up the stairs and then watched to make sure it doesn't wander off).
And the whole thing is a constant rubbing if my nose in the fact that I have massive arterial damage for a man my age and am likely to die young. Not a turn-on.
I feel like a miserable, grumpy old man and I am 44. I hate this.
I don't even know what kind of an answer I expect or want. Just spoke to a telemedicine doc who waived his usual consult fee because he found my condition to be "interesting", which was much appreciated but also makes me feel like kind of a sideshow freak.
"SEE! The heart-wrecked, limp-dicked WONDER MUTANT!!!"
Most of the time I am OK but at times like this I just want the damned Implant already. I know it is not time yet but I chafe at the decade or so it will likely be before I can finally have relaxing and fully enjoyable sex again. If I don't have a stroke first.
I have recovered a lot of sexual functionality, with the help of Clomid to raise T, supplements, weight loss, and low dose daily Cialis. But I know I am not where I was even three years ago and I know I will just keep getting worse until I ultimately need a prosthetic implant. Right now it is mostly just a loss of responsiveness and rigidity (spontaneous erections are a thing of the past, and I generally need manual or oral stimulation to get hard, and at my hardest I am almost always a little "bendy" and seem to feel less sensation than I used to). More subtly, sex has become a thing that is inextricably linked to anxiety and depression, instead of just being fun like it used to be. Even when nothing really goes wrong it often feels like it did, as I was so worried about not being fully rigid or feeling shorter than I used to that I didn't really get to enjoy the sex. Or worse, I will somewhat resent my wife for trying for sex at a moment when we knew there were likely to be interruptions (we have four kids), and an inevitable interruption occurred that cost me my erection and set me into an emotional tailspin. I have become a guy who sometimes is upset with his wife for wanting sex, and I hate that about myself. Especially since I basically left my ex wife years ago because she had too many sexual hang ups and resented ME for wanting it too much.
Part of me wants to just fast forward through these bullshit years and go straight to the implant. But I also worry about dying young and all the stuff I do to keep my heart beating is also stuff that is likely to prolong this period of so-so "OK" mediocre and unreliable erections.
Tonight my wife wanted sex while we were cooking dinner, which meant sneaking upstairs while food was cooking, while two kids were watching TV and two others were due to come home soon. So she coaxed me hardish in her mouth and of course the doorbell rings -- youngest kid gets dropped off -- an interruption. She lingers downstairs a bit to chat with the woman who was watching our youngest. Then she comes up and I ask if she turned the heat off the fish -- she had not. So I'm imagining the fish burning and can't relax, so I go down to turn it off and then come up back to square one or worse, knowing there will be another knock on the door any minute, not in the mood but feeling too guilty to keep from trying (because I don't want to be the guy who denies his wife or is, frankly, crippled and unable to have sex because someone knocks on the door).
And we had sex, and she came more than once, and so did I (once). But I felt too small, and too floppy, and constantly fretted about losing what hardness I had. Not that vigorous firmness from when I was younger, the kind of erection that would kick the door in and swagger into the house whether I wanted it there or not (as opposed to the doddering old man erection that needs to be guided in and helped up the stairs and then watched to make sure it doesn't wander off).
And the whole thing is a constant rubbing if my nose in the fact that I have massive arterial damage for a man my age and am likely to die young. Not a turn-on.
I feel like a miserable, grumpy old man and I am 44. I hate this.
I don't even know what kind of an answer I expect or want. Just spoke to a telemedicine doc who waived his usual consult fee because he found my condition to be "interesting", which was much appreciated but also makes me feel like kind of a sideshow freak.
"SEE! The heart-wrecked, limp-dicked WONDER MUTANT!!!"
Most of the time I am OK but at times like this I just want the damned Implant already. I know it is not time yet but I chafe at the decade or so it will likely be before I can finally have relaxing and fully enjoyable sex again. If I don't have a stroke first.